Bored Woman Sends Anonymous Threats to Neighbors to Lighten Mood

Written by annerose

Saturday, 11 April 2020

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April 8, 2020 (Cameron Park). Dozens of residents of a middle class Cameron Park neighborhood reported receiving threatening, anonymous notes in their mailboxes. Sheriff Mahoney initially declined to investigate, citing all manpower was dedicated to patrolling violations of social distancing protocols. Mahoney stated, "We are committed to protecting our citizenry from higher threats, such as only walking five feet from each other instead of six. We even invested in extra yardsticks to outfit every deputy."

When reminded it was an election year, Mahoney grudgingly acknowledged that he might have spared one deputy to investigate, but pointed out it wasn't necessary.

"What broke this case wide open," the Sheriff proudly related, rocking back on his heels with his thumbs tucked into his belt, "was when Kitty Schneider walked into our station and confessed to the deed."

Kitty Schneider, 42, who lives in the affected neighborhood with her husband Roberto and their two dogs, admits, "Yeah, it was me. I was only trying to inject a little levity into the craziness around us. People seem sad and depressed, so I thought I would give them something to think about besides the pandemic."

She continued, 'I got the idea from binge-watching the old Jimmy Stewart movie Rear Window, where he spies on his neighbors and is convinced one of them is a murderer. Great movie! And I thought, why not send threatening notes to my neighbors and get them excited and bonded as a community. You know, things like 'I saw what you hid in your garden', and 'you'd better watch out for your cat'. I don't see what the hullabaloo is about. Com'on, can't you people take a joke?"

Ginny McDuff, who lives across the street and down two houses from Kitty, confided to the Cameron Park Clarion reporter, "I'm not surprised at all that the culprit is that crazy Kitty Schneider. I hear her constantly screeching at her poor husband, 'You are NOT going outside again', and "Oh NOOO. It is not even 5pm--you are NOT going to eat dinner this early."

When pressed, Ginny agreed reluctantly that Kitty might have been yelling at her dogs but nevertheless, Ginny insisted, "That Kitty is still one fearsome woman, and she never waves hello like normal people; everyone knows you can't be a bad person if you wave at your neighbors, so obviously, something's terribly wrong with her."

Sheriff Mahoney declined to press charges because, after all, it was a harmless prank. He advised Schneider to move to a different neighborhood where the people had better senses of humor.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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