A celebrated model has, in an interview with a local newspaper, claimed that she had had 'relations' with Trumpty Dumpty, as she calls him.
The model, Tammy Twisterpecker, 19, told a reporter from The Pittsburgh Post that she received a misdirected tweet from The Orange Tweet Creep, as other people are sometimes said to call POTUS.
The tweet asked her if she was wearing Daisy Duke short shorts, and she replied that she was.
Old Baby Fingers, as Nicki Minaj or, possibly Demi Lovato, has dubbed him, then replied that he would "like to have relations" with her, and Twisterpicker giggled and smiled and said she'd love to.
But, she said, she'd only do it for a payment of $16,275, in American money.
DJT, as Kellyanne Conway calls him, asked her if she'd settle for 3 Big Macs and a double serving of fries.
She said only if she could call his tiny pecker a wiener schnitzel, and if he would speak in the voice of a 5-year-old boy.
Trumplestiltskin, as some wanker in Texas calls him, agreed.
She then asked him how about his wife.
The Liar-in-Chief, as he nobody calls him, and who lies more in one day than the populations of Nebraska, Dakota and Pakistan lie in an entire decade, said he wouldn't be inviting Melania.
There was no room in this story for Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr., George Conway, Stormy Daniels, Cher, Sean Hannity, Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Tom Brady, Danica Patrick, Megyn Kelly, Meghan Markle, Prince Harry, Dr. Phil, Abe Sniffmyfingers, Ferdinand Fellatio, Donnie Depravito, Ron Ribtickler, Caitlyn Cocksucker, the Houston Astros, bikinis, secret videos, secret photos, hush money or any other old tripe that I could cram in, in the desperate hope that someone on the internet searching those names or things would click on them by mistake, whereupon I would receive points for my extremely dubious efforts.
NOTE: This story is the biggest bag of shite I was able to hammer together in 10 minutes, and has no point whatsoever aside from copying the style and content of what passes for humor on these pages at the moment.
Sorry that the headline was misleading. That's what tends to happen when a writer gets so excited about the sexy little details he's writing, that he forgets what the story is supposed to be about.