In an exclusive interview with Dork Jiggleflab of the Wilmington, DE, “Credit Card Extortion Daily News,” candidate ‘Sleepy Joe’ Biden roused himself from a morning nap long enough to outline some of the key actions he’ll take when he assumes the mantle of “Leader of the Free World.”
Presented below are just some key highlights:
“Firstly, I’ll change the office title to somethun that, you know, man, better suits my macho profile…Thinking like, ‘His Excellency, Rambo-Dude’”.
“I’ll force Congress to do a law decriminalizing the smoking of leather straps from old guys’ slippers. Yeah, my buds at the K. of C. want that!”
“One priority is to sign an executive order for an archeological dig on the White House lawn to retrieve ‘Cajun’ Carville’s toupee. ‘Stead of vacation, ‘Cajun’ ‘n’ me are going to do the latest version of Lethal Weapon XIII with me in black-face…always wanted to do that!”
“I’m gonna rename Amtrak as ‘Uncle Jo-Jo’s Commutin’ Caboose’….And my sister will be exclusively handling all ticket purchase concessions.
“When on state visits to France, I’ve already scored a gig teachin’ Pig Latin at the Sorbonne. Who sez I ain’t got smarts?!?”
“I’ll be immediately removing all U.S. Forces from the Western Pacific, ceding all territory to Commie China under a treaty to name the region ‘Uncle Jo-Jo’s South China Sea Water Park,’ … ‘Course Hunter will be Illustrious Governor-for-Life.”
“ObamaCare, SchlabamaCare….Bi-BiCare for all!”
“And last, but not least, I’ll be emptying that Cuban facility so all its residents can be my White House security detail… ‘n’ I’m gonna sell it to my defeated opponent. Dig it, man, TRUMP GUANTANIMO!”