"I've never been much of an athlete, so it's not too much of a surprise," said Web Stephens of his fumbling of the game of life. "We can't all be the star quarterback, I guess."
As he explained it, Stephens began his life with high hopes, and some family oddsmakers even favored him to win. However, after a surge of gains in his early youth, Stephens began losing yardage in middle school, culminating in a disappointingly lackluster high school season.
"There were a lot turnovers during that period," said Stephens. "Here and there, I managed a field goal, like getting into state college. But all told, my record was not impressive."
Stephens's losing seasons continued for the duration of his college years and beyond, until finally, at the age of 34, he was forced to face the fact that his life to that point had been a total fumble.
Nevertheless, all is not yet lost for this lovable underdog. Stephens has almost finished writing a screenplay for a feature-length documentary on time management, which he predicts will hit home with millennials and produce the life-winning touchdown that has thus far eluded him.
"I'm so close," he said. "Now it's just a question of not dropping the ball at the one-yard line." With a steely resolve to his jaw, he pledged, "I'm just keeping my eye on the prize. I know victory will be mine."