Senator Subliminal Seeks the Truth

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 10 January 2020

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(The following is an alternative history of the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991.)

Senator Hatchett: Prof. Hill, let me preface my questioning by telling you how much I—and my colleagues—admire you for your courage and forthwrongness in coming before this Judiciary Committee today. Sexual harassment is a very serious charge—one that we (except Packwood) in the Senate do not take lightly! But you are making these charges against a good man (good buddy) whom I have known for over fifteen years, a man who may someday (God willing) sit on the Supreme Court and render decisions that may affect the lives of millions of women. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Prof. Hill: Yes, Senator, I do.

Senator Hatchett: Now, Prof. Hill, not to disparage your (questionable) character, but an acquaintance of Judge Thomas’s, Mr. Dogleg, implies that you spent a lot of time fantasizing about having—I can’t really bring myself to say it—se . . . se . . .sex with other men?

Prof. Hill: Senator Hatchett, Mr. Dogleg has no more evidence for assuming I’m a fantasizer than I, for example, have in assuming you have sex with barnyard animals.

Senator Hatchett: My personal life is not the issue here, Prof. Hill—yours and Clarence Thomas’s is. But to continue, this (very reputable) lawyer, Mr. Dogleg, maintains that at a party you attended, you came on to him and then later (hussie!) complained to him because he didn’t return your affections. What do you have to say about this?

Prof. Hill: My affections were never his to return, Senator. I don’t know where Mr. Dogleg got this bizarre story. Maybe after years of chasing ambulances, he got hit by one. Or maybe this story is a delusional fantasy of Mr. Dogleg’s.

Senator Hatchett: Men can have delusional fantasies? (Confers a minute with the senator next to him, shakes his head.) Hmmm. Well, Prof. Hill, to return to my line of questioning: Where were you on the night of April 23, 1986?

Prof. Hill: I have no idea, Senator. It’s not a night that particularly sticks out in my mind.

Senator Hatchett: And could the reason you don’t remember be that on April 23, 1986, you were watching The Sexorcist and fantasizing about the (sleazy and tawdry) details of a story you would some day use to bring down this (exemplary and brilliant) human being, Judge Clarence Thomas, who—by the way—pulled himself up by his bootstraps?

Prof. Hill: I don’t think so, Senator Hatchett. Maybe Senator Liden knocked you on the head a couple of times with his gavel. Or maybe this idea is just a delusional fantasy of yours?

Senator Hatchett: Liar! Perjurer! Senator Liden did not hit me twice on the head with his gavel—he only hit me once! And men don’t fantasize about sex. Men fantasize about football, and beer (or so Kavanaugh tells me), and long, unkempt beards—but not se . . . se . . . (spits it out) sex!

Prof. Hill: Sure Senator. Go on with your fantasy.

Senator Hatchett: Perjurer! Hussie! Delusional fantasist! I know you’re part of a liberal conspiracy to undermine what’s best about America—like the Super Bowl, the Baconator, and Old Glory! I thought you came here to present a legitimate complaint—that this man, Clarence Thomas (who, you’ll remember, pulled himself up from this bootstraps) sexually harassed you when you worked for him at E. E. O. C. But that’s not true, you liberal witch! (Now Senator Hatchett’s head spins completely around and then spews green stuff in the direction of Prof. Hill.) It’s you—and people like you—who will someday consign this great country of ours to the ash heap of history. Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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