Calvin Holmes of Nashville, Tennessee, came to an unfortunate conclusion when he reached the end of the spy novel he'd been reading and realized he'd never actually lived.
"I've never been to Paris and bonded viscerally with a beautiful, voluptuous woman who spoke no English but communicated with me through her body," said Holmes. "And I'm almost thirty-four."
Other things Holmes has not done include saving his country from a terrorist threat through computer hacking, shooting a fleeing traitor in the foot so as to to halt his escape but not fatally injure him, and inheriting hundreds of thousands of dollars from an elderly woman he doesn't remember but who will never forget the kindness he showed her in helping her cross a busy street in Prague.
"I'm also not a recovering alcoholic," said Holmes. "Although some might say I've got the second half of that down."
Having realized how utterly purposeless his entire existence has been up until to this point, Holmes is now starting over again, from the very beginning - of a new spy novel.
"Fortunately the Nashville Public Library stopped charge overdue fines, so I can really take my time with this one," he said. "I'm going to get this life thing figured out for once and for all."