Trump Pardons Infamous Philippine Insurrection Soldier

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Friday, 22 November 2019

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Slovik's ghost, still hanging around for a pardon

The White House, Washington, DC. Woof Blister reporting for Spoof International News SIN. Lost in the hullabaloo over President Donald Trump's restoration of rank for a Navy Seal, court-martialed for his actions in Afghanistan, was Trump's secret posthumous pardon for an army-enlisted man executed for war crimes during the Philippine insurrection in 1901.

Sgt. John Slovik, assigned to a regiment under command of Gen. Otis, was summarily executed after he allegedly murdered a dozen Filipino guerrillas who had ambushed his unit before the insurgents were overcome.

The twelve surviving insurgents were taken prisoner by a squad under Slovik's command. When his count of the American dead reached 12, he had the prisoners bound, lined up against a wall, and Slovik personally shot each one in the back of the head. When Otis learned of the massacre, he ordered Slovik executed on the spot, without a formal court-martial.

Numerous entertainment celebrities have in recent weeks besieged Trump with pleas for a posthumous pardon. Among them are several fading stars who are long between pictures or concert tours.

In a sealed order, Trump explained that Slovik was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome after seeing his comrades die, and that Slovik considered the insurrectionists' conduct an illegal act of war, since they were not in uniform. Trump ignored the fact that few, if any, of the Philippine insurgents wore uniforms.

Slovik's relatives are now demanding that he be reburied at the Arlington National Cemetery.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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