The Onion Steals Johnny Shlep From The Spoof: Highway Robbery!

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 1 October 2019

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BILLINGSGATE POST: Former writer Johnny Shlep has been proffered an offer he couldn’t refuse. The Onion, an American satirical digital media company located in Chicago, announced that Johnny Shlep, formally one of the elite writers for The Spoof, will be joining the writing staff of The Onion, effective October 15.

Shlep was not a happy camper. As a pro bono contributor to The Spoof, it was disturbing to him that he was never able to reach the lofty position of top dog on the Top Writers Chart. Believing that “the fix was in,” he became more and more irritated.

“I’m not paid enough to put up with this shit.”

Just as the rest of the volunteers who had been writing their ass off for nothing, he was told “to like it.”

But the major domos who run The Onion had been following his work for the past two years. Sensing that he was ready to make a horizontal move, they offered to move him to Chicago and pay him a salary of $12,000 per month, plus a free suite at the Four Seasons Hotel, until he found a suitable home in the tony Northside.

“To Hell with that lard ass, Harry Maguire,” he spat out. “I’m tired of reading about him.”

The rest is history. Johnny left his sleazy one-bedroom, cold water flat in London, and set off across the pond for a better life in America.

Slim: “They will miss him at The Spoof.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Can’t blame him though. He will love Wrigley Field and the Cubs.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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