In a show of brilliance that made a mockery of descriptions of him as a lumbering carthorse with little or no turn of pace, Manchester United and England central defender Harry Maguire moved like a bullet out a gun earlier today, when he trod on a cockroach, killing it stone dead.
Maguire was at a secret cave location known only to Google, to discuss some business with Clarence the Cockroach, who purportedly possessed psychic or clairvoyant powers, or maybe both.
The beast had acquired its powers from some Mayan fuckwit.
When the meeting failed to go as planned, Clarence bolted for the cave exit, but the big size 10 of Harry 'Squasher' Maguire soon put a stop to that.
"Clairvoyant? He didn't see that coming!"
Police are not investigating.