Fairbury, Nebraska - A local couple gave birth to their first child Tuesday, and, according to their neighbor, the baby is uglier than shit.
The ugly baby was born to Sarah and Michael Austin of Fairbury. Neighbor, Sal Greene, a 65-year-old writer who lives with his wife of 30 years, says that after seeing the atrocity, he had to fight the urge to tell the Austins that, if the Seven Gates of Hell opened up, and mutilated demons came crawling out, they would not be as hideous as the newborn horror that was their baby.
"I have a big mouth," said Sal. "It's hard for me to bite my tongue when something is painfully obvious that no one is talking about. So when my wife, Betty, and I went over to the new couple's house to see their baby, you can guess I really had to check my words. That wasn't an easy thing to do."
"I walked into the baby's room feeling nervous," said Sal. "I looked into the crib and had to hold back a horrified gasp. What I saw in that crib shook my world for all eternity. He looked like a stomped-on Sourpatch Kid. I almost started crying."
Sal said that he was expecting the baby to be a little goofy looking, based upon the parents, but the mutated, alien hellbeast that lay before him in the crib was the last thing he expected. "It made me doubt whether God truly loved Humanity," said Sal. "I might look up information on post traumatic stress disorder, because I think I just acquired it."
Sal said, "Then the Austins started talking about how great of friends we were going to be now. I could be Uncle Sal, and we could be like a family - blah-blah-blah." Sal paused to take a breath. "Betty and I are getting too old. Our kids are grown and gone. We did our time. I'm not doing someone else's too. So I looked at my wife and she gave me a look that told me to bail us out. So I turned to the Austins and said - 'Your baby's uglier than shit.'"
Sal reports they have not seen the Austins, or their ugly baby since.