Nearly two years after the major storm that devastated Puerto Rico in 2017, many residents still remain unable to obtain insulin medication, Coca Cola, and other food staples like Oreos, ice cream, and Spam.
"At this point, some people are being forced to subsist solely on fruits and vegetables and root produce like potatoes and yams," said Dr. Manuel Garcia. "The Third World diet is wreaking havoc on the lifestyle so many have come to appreciate and enjoy."
He added, "In fact, a lot of them still don't have cable service restored yet. Out of desperation, some.young people have even turned to reading books."
Dr. Garcia noted, too, the negative effect the storm has had on the Puerto Rican economy "It's pretty scary. Pharmaceutical companies rely on these medications for their very survival."
Fortunately for all parties concerned, socially responsible corporations like Dunkin' Donuts and KFC have taken it upon themselves to ensure that storm victims aren't forced to continue to consume anachronistically unprocessed foods, donating caseloads of doughnuts, muffins, soft drinks, and plenty of deep-fried animal flesh for those in need.
"It's the least we can do," said KFC spokesperson Melissa Wood. "People were starting to feel hungry and even lose weight. We couldn't let that continue - not on our watch."