Breaking News: 404 Cancelled

Written by Jock Reasoning

Thursday, 22 August 2019

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​Breaking news out of Washington earlier this morning!

It started within the house before reaching the Senate. And now, it has been signed into law. Effective immediately, mail labeled to residences registered at a ‘404’ address will no longer be deliverable.

“Not since the near-ubiquitous banning of 13th floors has such an obliquely specific law found its way into action,” a congressman commented, upon exiting his quaint limo before ascending the steps leading into his moderate mansion.

So, what becomes of the individuals currently residing within a 404 address?

“They will have to move or change their address,” another congressman, dining on the rarest form of wagyu beef answered, with more than a hint of annoyance.

Moving is no small task. And, as for altering an address, nobody wants to be known as that weirdo on the block with the ‘a’ or ‘b’ leeching onto the back of a once normal-looking address.

“Listen, I live at 406 [Redacted], and there’s no way in HELL I’m taking on a letter for that schmuck over at 404,” an angry 404 neighbor informed us when asked about the possibility of being neighborly.

One 404 resident, in particular, took great umbrage when learning of the ruling. “Are you kidding me?? NOT AGAIN!” his obstreperous voice cried into the heavens. Mailer Daemon, a longtime resident at 404 [Redacted] in Topeka, Kansas, expressed his incandescence. “I’ve been working on legally changing my name so that mail would finally be deliverable to me, specifically. All these years, I’ve been using my wife’s name. She’s tried convincing me to hyphenate but, I mean, c’mon. Chop my balls off why don’t ya…” Mr. Daemon continued his strange detour down a rather sexist path. A detour we felt uncomfortable following.

The news, however, didn’t strike everyone as bad. A New York City nomad is reportedly very interested in acquiring a 404 address in the hopes of finally locating the desired loophole to drop out of the mail system for good. His name is Cosmo K.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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