President Trump loses total body control

Written by StubbornGorilla

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

image for President Trump loses total body control
"I really don't know what my right arm is doing, but it's not my fault."

After admitting that he accidentally watched Real Time with Bill Maher sources close to the president have confirmed that Trump has lost control not only of his eyes and ears, but most of the rest of his body as well. Most of the president's recent rash behavior has been attributed to this odd affliction.

Some speculate that he has never had control of his mouth, which explains why he says what he says, and can't help but kiss women he has no business touching.

It apparently got worse about the time he was elected president. Trump's near-constant use of Twitter is the result of his inability to control his hands. This also is believed to be the reason that he gives thumbs-ups near recently orphaned babies, and throws out rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. There is some speculation that perhaps this is also a lifelong affliction, and may have contributed to his reputation as being "a little too hands on if you know what I mean."

It isn't known if his hair is the result of not having enough control of his hands to comb it, or if the hair, itself, suffers from the same lack of control as the rest of his body.

Trump's condition hasn't seemed to impact his ability to cheat at, and constantly play, golf, although his inability to control his mouth and hands has resulted in the excessive ingestion of fast foods. This is thought to explain why playing golf so much, has done nothing to improve the president's physique, although the heavy use of a golf cart may also be the culprit.

It is not known if this lack of body control extends to his digestive system, but experts just "refuse to go there." A medical expert was asked to comment, and they were unable to give a definitive answer. "It is hard to tell from general observation if he is wearing depends, or if his butt is just that gigantic. Either way it's gross. If you want to know about his nether regions, I defer to Melania."

The diagnosis has given Trump supporters some justification for excusing his behavior. "If you ignore everything he says and does, and just look at his amazing record he is the greatest president of all time," one exclaimed.

Another insider explained, "to all of those people who think the president acts like a big fat baby, I say be a little more considerate. If he had any control over himself like your typical adult, it would be one thing, but to constantly question the actions of a man that has no control over himself is beyond inconsiderate. It's just mean."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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