9 Million Rats Can’t All Be Wrong: Leaving Baltimore On A Jet Plane

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 30 July 2019

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I'M OUTA HERE

BILLINGSGATE POST: It appears that even the rodent population is fed up with Baltimore. Giant rats with tattoos of Congressman Elijah Cummings on their buttocks are seen carrying signs condemning the rotting garbage in the streets: “Do you really expect us to eat this crap?”

There is a war going on in urban America. And the rats know, first hand, that they are at the bottom of the food chain - although cockroaches might dispute that. Anyone who has seen the dilapidated row houses in Baltimore would agree that it’s not a healthy place to live.

Elijah Cummings, who bears similarity to a rat (genus Rattus), and Al Sharpton, who carries himself like an uppity cockroach (genus Blattodea), agree that something has to be done to curtail the outflow of rats from Baltimore.

“They represent the heart and soul of our city,” said Cummings. “We cannot fail to stop this diaspora of rats to LA and San Francisco. Without them, our tourist industry would dry up. Counting rats is the way our children learn to add and subtract.”

Slim Everdingle:

But, I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Dirty: Yo, Dude.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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