Trump announces new strategies for regime change in Venezuela

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Sunday, 30 June 2019

image for Trump announces new strategies for regime change in Venezuela
Mr. Bolton says he is also fine with being shot out of a cannon from Puerto Rico

Speaking at the end of the G20 summit yesterday, Mr. Trump denied that regime change in Venezuela has “lost momentum.”

“These things take time,” he said.

The President remarked that Venezuela is suffering so badly at this time from lost population, it is becoming “a ghost town.”

He also said he has five strategies for further development of the mission.

In review, US backed, self-appointed Juan Guaido has not been able to galvanize support from Venezuelans after declaring himself official leader--instead of Nicolas Maduro--back in January.

In recent reports, Mr. Guaido has been suspected of using some of his support money to fund extravagant holidays and purchases for himself and his staff.

Additionally, defectors to Mr. Guaido’s cause have had second thoughts, with some seeking to return to the country and negate their defection status.

Meanwhile, it’s not clear how many of those who have left Venezuela due to harsh economic conditions from US sanctions are ending up at the US border being put in cages.

Into this quagmire, the hacker group Looser Guccifer 2.0 has stepped forward with information on Mr. Trump’s five strategies:

*1: Send Jared Kushner into Venezuela with a new peace plan. Mr. Maduro would continue to be President—of a small suburb of Caracas only. But he would have lots of money and cigars.

*2: Send Mr. Pompeo on a “goodwill mission” into Venezuela disguised as a cleric with Roman collar and a secret poison pill—as with the plan to eliminate Castro sixty years ago in Cuba.

*3: Fund Mr. Guaido to be MC of a musical comedy show touring Venezuela and getting up support for his leadership along the lines of “Happy Days Are Here Again.”

*4: Deplete Venezuela’s population further by offering part-time jobs for migrants to the US (with free health insurance) as toilet cleaners in the concentration camps at the border.

*5: Drop Mr. Bolton from a high-flying spy plane squarely onto Mr. Maduro at his next public appearance in an open air forum, thereby eliminating two problems at the same time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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