Plymouth Rock, America. 1620. Special to The Spoof. A dissident group of Wampanoag Indians, inhabitants of the area around Plymouth, are vigorously demanding an end to Chief Massasoit's "open border" policy toward mobs of English ne'er-do-wells who are illegally gobbling up land here.
Speaking from atop the only large boulder on the beach, Trumpohauntus, potential candidate for chief, told a cheering crowd of supporters that Massasoit's dangerous immigration policy "is filling the country with the scum of England. We're welcoming criminals, rapists and a horde of MS-13 from the mean streets of London, and especially from the lowlife of Liverpool."
Massasoit's willingness to accept asylum seekers fails to ask why they need asylum, Trumpohauntus told his eager listeners. "Asylum from what? They're a motley gang of religious dissidents who were rightfully forced out of their homeland because they are anarchists. If they settle here, these self-proclaimed Pilgrims will take our land, kill our wildlife, and pollute our waters."
Trumpohauntus also called for a wall along the entire Plymouth coastline, but since there is only that one large rock on the beach, it's unclear how it will be built.