Washington DC, USA - Donald Trump was initiated into the British Hellfire Club according to Chapter 666 of the Mueller Report.
De-redacted federal papers describe events circa 1963 when the ageing Queen Mother acted as a ceremonial douche - uh, succubus - to drain the sap from Young Trump’s loins.
In exchange the fledgeling neophyte was promised a lifetime of fabulous satanic powers.
And a jolly wicked royal coat of arms.
Heraldic features seen by Spoof website reporters reveal Trump’s appointed patron demon Asmodeus, the legendary King of Nine Hells whose statue once adorned the Queen Mother’s regal bedchamber.
True to his fearsome patronage, the former Princess of Demons and satanic Consort of Revenge was notorious for inciting post-War gambling as part of her official oversight of Hellfire Club gambling houses.
Including those at Ballybollox Castle where next week’s presidential Official State Dinner will take place.
Click here for a sneak preview of the seven intercourse dinner menu featuring devilled kidneys and Scottish cocaine.