Community Service Projects Still Provide Excellent Way To Relieve Horrendous Amounts Of Guilt

Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 10 May 2019

image for Community Service Projects Still Provide Excellent Way To Relieve Horrendous Amounts Of Guilt
Laura Becker claims that a Breast Cancer Walk enables her to deny she has destroyed the hearts of numerous men after pathologically manipulating them.

After analyzing the results of numerous surveys that were conducted throughout several counties in Wisconsin, top university officials within the UW System concluded Monday that volunteering for community service projects is still an excellent way for people of all ages to relieve tremendous amounts of guilt over the horrifying things they have done in their own personal lives.

Even though community building activities: such as delivering food; comforting sick, bedridden, and dying people in hospitals; being part of a blood drive; and picking up garbage at a nearby park are typically considered foolish things that youngsters do in order to boost up their college applications, reports indicated that individuals with established careers (as well as those who are retired or near retirement) can still participate in charitable tasks as an attempted means to escape the soul-piercing memories of their awful, disgusting, putrid, and extremely unethical pasts.

Although it was acknowledged that inmates do perform a few local construction projects as part of their forced 'rehabilitation' programs, researchers who collected and synthesized vast amounts of data from northern, central, and southern Wisconsin came to the conclusion that helping others in need, donating used items, promoting awareness of social issues, putting money in church collection baskets, and sponsoring positive 'educational' youth activities can temporarily alleviate the 'pangs' of a bad conscience.

Harlon Craig, a 42-year-old business advisor, said that promoting the slogans, mottos, and financial values of his thriving company to 'at-risk' teenagers in a local high school, helps him diminish guilty memories of smoking weed, drinking straight whiskey, butt-fucking random sorority women in college, and relentlessly derailing co-workers in a 'two-faced manner' on his way to the top of the corporate ladder. Sarah Clemens, a 38-year-old guidance counselor, stated that donating an expensive, leather couch to a female neighbor who was moving to Florida with her independently wealthy, cold-hearted, condescending, 'emotionally-dead' husband, was the key to elevating her beyond haunting recollections of cheating on her high school boyfriend by letting the members of the university football team blow their loads all over her face at a drunken party during the Fall Semester of 2001.

Laura Becker, a 34-year-old correctional officer, claimed that going on an occasional Breast Cancer Walk enables her to deny the fact that she has destroyed the hearts of numerous innocent men after pathologically manipulating them and crushing their will to move forward, and Lane Krajeskey, a 64-year-old social clinical worker, confirmed that giving money to humanitarian organizations, such as the Red Cross, helps him move past the fact that he has several dead bodies buried in the basement of his house.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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