Society Has Too Much Fucking Profanity, According to Some Goddamn Study

Written by Brett Taylor

Tuesday, 30 April 2019

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Michael Politzco is concerned about children and profanity

Given today’s turbulent political climate, many are concerned that the public discourse has coarsened. Indeed, a study from The National Society For Ethics in Language finds that profanity is becoming the norm in North America. This study can only stoke fears that decency will go down the drain and that crude dialogue will become the national discourse. Some point to television as the culprit.

We asked a sociologist, Dr. Aaron Tulesco for his opinion on the matter. He agreed that the situation is grave. Violent video games and the prevalence of tacky reality shows are largely to blame, the doctor says. But how can the average citizen combat the rising tide of profanity? “It takes a great deal of discipline,” the sociologist explains. “Discipline and self control. But with a little determination and a strong ethical sensibility, we can all turn the situation around and make the United States a clean, civil environment in which our children can grow."

At this point, Dr. Tulesco let out a disturbing yell. Dr. Tulesco has an eccentric habit of playing with a hammer, and, at this point, he dropped it on his big toe. “Aww, fuck!” he cried. “I’m always doing some stupid shit. Oh, fuck, and I forgot about our fucking anniversary too. My wife is gonna be so fucking pissed. God, of all the days to piss off the bitch, I’ve already got a goddamn headache. Look, call me some other fucking day, would you? I’ll be better prepared to speak. This whole day is turning into a gigantic fucking mess.”

In order to get the opinion of the common parent, we spoke to Michael Politzco, a contractor living in a small apartment in Brooklyn. He agreed that he hears too much profanity in everyday life, and he’s been concerned after his son came home from school using bad language. Here is what he told us:

"Yeah, I couldn’t believe the words my son was usin’. It was awful. It hurt my ears to think a son of mine could ever use language like that. Words like whore, scumbag, and dirty little shitheel. I mean, and people are gonna think I did a bad job raisin’ him or somethin’. When I’ve done my best to raise him right.

"I mean, fuck, where do these little bastards pick up that kinda language? I’m tellin’ ya, if my son talked that way to me, I would beat his fuckin’ face in. I mean, I don’t believe in beatin’ kids, but I would beat the shit out of the little fucker.

"I tell you what my dad tole me, he said don’t use bad language and don’t go round beatin’ the shit out of nobody, but if anybody talks that way to you or your kids or the old lady or even your fuckin’ grandparents, you beat the shit out of ‘em. I mean, beat the living shit out of them. And then you wipe your hands clean, dust ‘em off, you know, and you look back and say, How do you like that shit, you little goddamn pisser? Just like John Wayne would, you know? I love that one goddamn John Wayne movie. What was it called? Dirty Fuckin’ Harry. Great fuckin’ flick. Why don’t they make movies like that anymore? I mean what the fuck is wrong with society?

"So I’m explainin’ things to my son the other day, and we’re at this place, one of those expensive coffee places, like a Starbucks or whatever, but it want’t Starbucks. But like that, you know. But along comes this broad, huge fuckin’ tits. So I forget what I’m supposed to be talkin’ about. And the boy says, Daddy, daddy, finish the story. And I can’t ‘cause I don’t remember what the fuck I’m talkin’ about. But the kids don’t know. They dunno. You know?

"I may not always remember what I’m talkin’ about, but I tell you this. I love pizza. We got some places around with great fuckin’ pizza. Great pizza. Tastes so good, looks so good, I don’t know whether to eat it or fuck it. Ya know? People are fuckin’ nasty, you know. The other day this guy was makin’ so much noise with his goddamn nose, I said blow your fuuckin’ nose already. And you know what? He did it too. Shut him right up.

"Huh? Yeah, okay. The bitch is callin’, you know. Gotta answer the phone."

And with that Mr. Politzco walks off.

Next week, we will try for a feminine perspective on the issue, starting with some ladies we met on the streets of Los Angeles.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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