Queens Man Singlehandedly Making America Old-School Again

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 9 April 2019

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When it comes to a choice between new-school and old-school, it's old-school all the way for Ben Baxter of Queens.

By taking it upon himself to bring back certain - in his view - underused words like "thrice" and "twofold," Ben Baxter of Queens, New York, is aiming to singlehandedly make America old-school again.

"Twice may be nice, but thrice is twofold badass," said 29-year-old Ben, who believes that the words we use make a statement about who we are as people. And on his part, Ben, who will celebrate his thirtieth birthday in just a few months, is opting for old-school class.

"Out with the new school, in with the old school!" raved Ben. "Hip hip hooray for the old school! The old school's got it goin' on. The old school's where it's at!"

Ben went on to explain that while a certain level of progress is inevitable and in some cases even desirable in modern-day society, when it comes down to making a choice between new-school and old-school, for him there's just no contest.

"Screw that new school - it twofold blows!" said Ben, making no bones about his strong preference. "And in case you didn't hear me, I'll say it thrice. New school twofold blows! New school twofold blows! New school twofold blows!"

And while Ben claims that he doesn't identify with any particular political party, he points out that there's very little hope of making America "great" again without making it old-school - and he's prepared to roll up his sleeves and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

"Right now, we're all 'phat' and 'sick' and 'ill,'" he said. "But if I have anything to say about it - and I do - we'll be old-school before anyone gets off their phat asses and even notices. And if once I don't succeed, I'll try again not twice but thrice. And if that doesn't work, I'll increase my efforts - well, you see where I'm going with this. The point is, old-school kicks ass!'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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