Inspiring: Man logging 2,848 hours into new Call of Duty game has now spent more time fighting nazis than grandfather did.

Written by Jesus H. Christ

Monday, 25 March 2019

image for Inspiring: Man logging 2,848 hours into new Call of Duty game has now spent more time fighting nazis than grandfather did.

Citing the endless amount of time he has spent/spends perilously ending dictator control in simulation of World War II, Robert Fischmann, a 23-year-old man with a knack for keyboard controls, wonders why he receives little to no credit compared to his grandfather who fought on the front lines of WWII.

“Yeah, I understand that, I mean, he had physical guns and all, but I have more brain power", Robert stated in a private interview. "Hell, the whole physical stuff is probably easier because he had training and all that, but I started from scratch! I use so much strategy to shoot the enemies with my fully automated controls, 75% gamma, and 90% sensitivity. I find it appalling that I, the number 8 player in my city, receive less credit than my failure of a grandfather.”

“It has taken me so many hours to receive this rank. I have sacrificed my own mental well-being for the victories in this war, and I don’t plan to stop any time soon. The fact that my grandfather, a man with a final kill count of only 83 is more honored than I, with a kill count of 10,798 is completely unbelievable.

“I mean, the idiot’s not even alive anymore, and there are still people putting wreaths and flags and flowers on that bird-feces speckled grave. I have killed thousands and thousands of opposing team members. I’ve only died 5,000 or so times, and my K/D is still over one. I’m far above average, and bet that I have done more for this country than that nitwit. I’ve even fought zombies! Nazi zombies! It’s pathetic the amount of support he gets for doing a sliver of what I have. It really is.”

“But I guess people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Maybe one day, people will appreciate the bravery of us virtual soldiers. Our anxiety levels rising as we realize how close the other team is to passing our team deathmatch score. People would never understand the pain of finding an enemy and nearly killing him before that kill gets stolen from you. People would never understand the pain of throwing a grenade and walking straight into it before it explodes. People would never understand the pain of dying after shooting the enemy more than 5 times, that filthy hacker. One day people will realize how amazing we truly are...”

On the walk home, Robert was kidnapped and murdered by a gang of MS-13 members. His last words were reportedly “I wish I had a keyboard so that I could shoot all you Nazis dead!” His family is still mourning the loss. He was a true hero.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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