Farmers Discuss What A Lettuce Would Be Called, If It Wasn't Called A Lettuce

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 28 April 2019

image for Farmers Discuss What A Lettuce Would Be Called, If It Wasn't Called A Lettuce
No two leaves of a lettiss are the same

High-level discussions have been taking place on an agricultural estate in Lincolnshire this afternoon, with regard to what people would call a lettuce if it wasn't already known as a lettuce.

For those who are not 'in the know', an agricultural estate is a farm.

One farmer, Bill, said to another farmer, Jack, from the agricultural estate two miles away:

"A lettuce is an annual plant of the daisy family. It is a leaf vegetable, and is often used in salads, but can also be found in some soups and sandwiches. It closely resembles a vagina, but is green."

"Yes," said Jack, "but why 'lettuce' is what I don't get."

Bill nodded:

"Even the pronunciation of the word is a conundrum. A conundrum is a difficult or confusing problem. Spelt as it is, L-E-T-T-U-C-E, one might expect it to be pronounced 'lettuss', or even 'letyoos'. As things stand, with the accepted pronunciation as 'lettiss', a more sensible approach might be to adapt its spelling to 'lettiss'.

Jack chipped in:

"One form of lettuce - the asparagus lettuce - is actually called 'Celtuce', which is a word that looks like it rearranges the letters of 'lettuce', but doesn't quite, because in 'lettuce' there are two letter 't's, and only one letter 'c', but in 'celtuce' there are two letter 'c's, and one letter 't'.

"Aye," said Bill, 58, "that may be, but any changes made to either the spelling or the pronunciation of the word 'lettuce', however, could have a potential knock-on effect for rabbits. Rabbits consume large amounts of lettuce, and any significant alterations could have grave consequences for the cuddly, long-eared mammals.

Jack looked confused. "Con what?" he furrowed his brow and asked.

"Consequences," said Bill. "A consequence is a result or an effect, particularly one that is unpleasant or unwelcome."

The pair concluded that, if a lettuce was not known as a lettuce, but by some other name, it would be very difficult to name it to reflect its appearance, "unless," mused Bill, "we called it a Vagitable!"

They both laughed sardonically.

An amazing fact to finish: did you know, that the Iceberg Lettuce is a very strange plant, four-fifths of which grows underground?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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