BILLINGSGATE POST: In a three-prong pincer attack led by Field Marshall Adam “Pencil Neck” Schiff, the secluded cave that served as headquarters for the reclusive Dr. Billingsgate was raided by a paramilitary force led by Field Marshall Schiff.
Among the alleged crimes committed by Billingsgate that precipitated this raid were Admission Scamming, SAT Score Cheating and Doctorate Degree Proliferation.
For the past 10 years, the good doctor has led a life that that few would undertake. Choosing to while away his time gathering bat guano and watching Giant Tortoises mate, his Person Cave on Isabela Island, part of the Galapagos archipelago, has served him well.
Apart from scoring a dozen doctorates from the prestigious La Fontaine College on Grand Cayman Island and winning a “Bulshitzer Prize” or two, his trophy room in the cave is uncluttered with self-aggrandizing artifacts.
The pincer attack led by General Pencil Neck Schiff was both unprecedented and historic. Sun Tzu, in The Art of War, talked about the maneuver. But he always allowed an escape route. Otherwise, faced with death, the surrounded enemy would fight until the end. No less than General George Patton followed this historic advice when he trapped the German army in a pincer movement in the Falaise pocket in 1944.
Old Pencil Neck left no such alternative for the Doctor. Suggesting that unless Dr. Billingsgate stripped himself of all of his “bogus” degrees, the full force of the law would be implemented by the diminutive one. Facing possible years in jail, Billingsgate surrendered to the man who some say is the greatest fraud since Governor Michael Dukakis commandeered an Abrams Battle Tank in his unsuccessful run for president in 1988. Wearing a silly grin under his tank helmet, the impish Governor was laughed out of Washington for this farce.
NOTE: In a pretrial motion, Dr. Billingsgate was allowed to keep all but his coveted Doctorate of Taxidermy. To avoid further litigation, he also agreed to retake his SAT Exam. It was alleged that Slim Everdingle stood in for him during the initial testing, scoring an impossible 1600.