Hillary Battles Elizabeth Warren For Rodent Supremacy: Chipmunk Cheek War

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 20 April 2015

image for Hillary Battles Elizabeth Warren For Rodent Supremacy: Chipmunk Cheek War
Chipmunk Cheeks

BILLINGSGATE POST: Which candidate has the cutest chipmunk cheeks? Although Hillary looks more like an adorable rodent than Elizabeth, both have faces that seem a little squirrely to the casual observer. In anatomical terms it is called having "buccal fat pads."

As any physiognomist worth his salt knows, chipmunk cheeks can be an asset if you are running for president. Just look at Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton, both who used their cheeks to advantage. Some cheeks are better than others. With Elizabeth Warren claiming that she believed that her high cheek bones came from her having Native American blood coursing through her veins, Hillary downplayed her own cheeks by stating that she could trace them back to her great grandparents being personally saved by Methodist founder, John Wesley, who manipulated little girls by pinching their cheeks.

Elizabeth was so convinced of her origin that she listed herself as a "Native American" in biographical questionnaires. Hillary, on the other hand questioned, "What does it matter?" Or as one Indian warrior said in his memoirs, "I love the Chief's daughter, but I hate his hatchet head."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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