Stress Massage Therapist Tells Iowa Resident To Consume Massive Amounts Of Beer And Tobacco After 90-Minute Healing Session

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 9 March 2019

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Davenport, Iowa. Unlike most professional stress massage therapists who recommend drinking water in order to stay hydrated and physically healthy after intense healing sessions designed to produce muscle relaxation while calming internal tension, Susan Clemens, 43, told her paying customer, Brad Johnson, 39, that he should go home and drink at least one case of beer while chain-smoking in order to properly recover.

With a warm towel on his back and heavenly music playing in the background, Mrs. Clemens warned Brad that the euphoric peace he was currently experiencing would soon be replaced with the truculent noise and unbearable stress of 'everyday' living.

Although momentarily happy, Brad was advised that his existential fears and his constant state of exhaustion were not going to disappear, and that he would need his incurable, highly toxic state of 'mind-shattering' anxiety in order to stay on top of things.

"I always try to be realistic with my customers, and I didn't want Brad to get the impression that our 90-minute healing session would eliminate the possibility that horrible things can still happen in his future," Susan told reporters.

"Having his heart broken repeatedly, losing his job, suffering in old age, and eventually dying alone while experiencing tremendous amounts of writhing agony and despair, are certainly things that can occur on the uncertain road that lies ahead of him," she added.

Upon receiving a 16.9 fluid ounce bottle of water and a bill, Mr. Johnson was told that his relentless pattern of getting hideously drunk while chain-smoking on Friday nights before falling down (face-first) on the kitchen floor of his apartment was probably OK, and that he should take no further steps to eat vegetables in order to reduce his abnormally high blood sugar levels, or his potential risk for a heart attack in his mid-40s.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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