Apocalypse Now: Did You Hear What Trump Said?

Written by Danny Williams

Saturday, 12 January 2019

image for Apocalypse Now: Did You Hear What Trump Said?

The Vatican -- Today the Lamb of God, held in various sacred halls by the catholic church for over a millennium and long-presumed to be in a vegetative state, surprised priests and bishops alike when it suddenly came to its feet, took a long look around, then sauntered over to a glass case containing the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse. According to those in attendance, the Lamb then somehow opened the case and began to break the seals one by one.

"We immediately contacted the media," said Father Mateo Castille. "Many were against it, but we put it to a vote and decided the world should know that everything is coming to an end."

With the first seal broken, a figure on a white horse brandishing a bow with arrows sprang forth and began firing randomly at the priests. Each man who was struck began coughing in fits as blisters rose from their flesh. Within hours, men, women and children the world over began to wretch as the putrid stench of death permeated the earth's atmosphere.

CNN, MSNBC, FOX and all major American networks began reporting the coming of the four horsemen by gathering their most well-known pundits for round table discussions.

"Did you see Trump's latest tweet?" asked one pundit. "He says he wants democrats to call his wall 'peaches.' What the heck is that about?"

The second seal unleashed a red horse, atop which rode a figure with a sword. As the horseman bellowed a war-cry to the heavens, nations on all continents resounded with the screams of neighbors turning against each other with kitchen knives, garden tools, and anything else they could get hold of. China has reportedly begun arming their nuclear arsenal.

"The president claims that unemployment has never been lower than it is now - in the entire history of the United States," warned one MSNBC anchor. "That is patently false. But what else should we come to expect from Mr. Trump? The man has his own facts, right?"

The third and fourth seal brought forth what has been expected for over two thousand years: famine, cataclysmic tidal waves, earthquakes, tornadoes and floods. Buildings in cities from New York to Tokyo began to crumble as millions ran through the streets, futilely seeking shelter from the Wrath of God.

Fortunately, NBC tower in Chicago is so far unaffected, allowing the media to keep the public alert to any immediate dangers.

"I hate to use the terms 'racist' or 'misogynist'," instructs one pundit, "but if you're not a white male, chances are Donald Trump doesn't think very highly--"

"-- I'm sorry to cut in, Sheila," another pundit interrupts, "but I'm just getting word that the Whore of Babylon is rising from the deserts of Iraq this very moment."

"Speaking of misogynists," alerts another pundit.

"Yes, could we refrain from using derogatory terms like "whore," please, Jerry?" says the host. For a moment she seems on the verge of panic, but somehow manages to gather herself and continue. "Back on topic, shall we?"

"Honestly, I think it might be Jerry's way of trying to normalize Trump," says another pundit.

"Hey, that's not fair, Pam."

Outside the echoing roar of The Beast can be heard as it breaks its spiritual chains and pushes its way up through the earth, finally free to conquer all of humanity.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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