New Study Reports that Grass Really IS Greener on Other Side

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 1 January 2019

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Want truly greener grass? It really is to be found on the other side, says the latest scientific report.

While the adage that the grass is always greener on the other side is commonly taken as a psychological misperception that we all most want that which we do not have, a groundbreaking new study from the Niels Bohr Institute of Quantum Physics recently revealed that it’s not just our imagination at work; those distant fields truly are greener, and the key to happiness is abandoning our tired, browning, everyday pastures for the truly vibrant life that is just out of our reach.

Law of Attraction guru, Esther Hicks, through whom a group of ancient spirit deities known as “Abraham” purportedly speak, independently corroborated this latest finding. “Abraham told me, long ago, that we attract that which we desire to become. As they say, every blade of grass has its angel who whispers, ‘Grow, grow!’”

For that reason, Abraham preaches, the key to our health and to our greater (and greater and greater) happiness is focusing exclusively on those greener pastures just beyond the horizon. “The present moment is overrated,” explained Esther/Abraham. “What matters is not the present moment, but the future that we are now bringing into being.”

With the advent of the New Year, these new study results are particularly timely. President Donald Trump, for instance, has expressed that he believes that Mars is where the greenest grass is to be found. And he remarked that it is, of course, the greener pastures of the United States that have attracted the many illegal immigrants threatening to overtake our soon-to-be-great-again nation.

“Those illegals have known for a long, long time that the grass is greener over here, on the other side of the soon-to-be wall,” stated Trump (who’s rumored to be utilizing Law of Attraction principles to be manifesting his thus-far stymied border wall). “They may be drug addicts and sexual predators, but they’re not dumb,” he said of the thousands of people currently seeking political asylum in the United States.

Despite the latest "definitive" research findings, however, the Niels Bohr Institute has cautioned people not to act rashly, given the uncertainty inherent in quantum physics.

“Until we figure out whether Schrodinger’s cat is alive or dead," said spokesperson Nellie Fuhrer, "people may want to hold off on making any precipitous changes in their lives, We could be way off here.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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