Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 24 December 2018

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image for New Video Game For 'Nervous' College Graduates To Be Released After The Holiday Season

KANOMI, in combination with CAPCOM, has designed a new video game for extremely nervous, burned-out, college students who will be approaching Graduation in the Spring Semester of 2019.

The game is a side-scroller in which you walk cautiously down a hallway toward an interview that could potentially change the entire course of your life. Before you press the "Start Button," you pick a poorly-dressed, insecure character with a pathetic name (of your choice) who is severely in debt after 4-6 years of struggling to pass rigid academic courses.

With massive loads of self-doubt about the major you have chosen, you keep progressing down the hallway as if you had a bleeding ulcer.

When you sit down during the interview, a scary male administrator asks you "loaded" questions that your professors didn't prepare you for, as he sternly analyzes everything little thing you say, in order to see if you 'fit the job' or not.

Tragic orchestra music plays in the background, as you contemplate the sleepless night you spent before feeling tremendous amounts of apprehension while constipated.

After pressing the 'Down Button' in the office, a small box appears in the center screen that allows you 15 seconds to answer a bombardment of intense and repetitive questions. If you make one wrong answer that is grammatically incorrect or 'incomplete' in terms of comprehension, a generic rejection letter starts hovering over your character's head.

(If you press the 'Select Button' at any point, you have the options of: A) Puking; B) Crying Intensely; C) Having A Panic Attack; D) Feeling Sorry For Yourself; or E) Resorting To Drugs And Alcohol.)

Making it through the entire interview with a 90%-or-above score, allows you to have a password that saves your resume and electronically-designed portfolio for future consideration. A 70% success rate means that the Company will actually call you back to let you know they found a more qualified candidate.

Scoring 50% or below, however, causes the administrator to become psychotically furious right before he pushes your face down on his desk, pulls his pants down, and fucks you in the ass while the words "GAME OVER" repeatedly flash across the screen.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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