Man Hopes For More Deeply-Rooted Anxiety And Loneliness Over The Holiday Season

Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 17 December 2018

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Rochester, Minnesota. 39-year-old Matthew Brecker got down on his knees last Sunday evening, and prayed to the Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and the Earth, that he could experience more anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness over the Holidays.

With his obsessive-compulsive disorder raging completely out of control, his profound alcoholism, and his previously traumatic experiences of being overwhelmed by joy and companionship, Matthew drank an entire bottle of Black Velvet Whiskey before reflecting on everything, and begging the Divine Trinity to help him maintain the irreversible state of intense fear and distrust for people that has been plaguing his soul since the day he was born.

"I just want to feel the way I did in college when I was insecure with myself, confused about my direction in life, stressed out, and lonely," Matthew confessed to lead reporter, Sarah Jennings, whose beautiful eyes and voluptuous breasts terrified him so much, that he felt the need to ask for 'Heavenly Guidance' in order to keep him on the right path.

As the Holiday Season progresses, and as single women keep glaring at his body with the hidden desire to tear his clothes off and make wild, passionate love to him, Mr. Brecker continuously asks St. Michael, (the Protective Archangel of all that is Good, Holy, Righteous, and True) to safely guide him through the Holiday Season as he plans to spend both Christmas and New Year's alone full of cheap beer while bitterly fixating on existential questions that have no reasonable answers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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