Iowa. When 46-year-old Tom Cornell sat on his toilet seat at home last Sunday at 7:30 pm, he didn't expect that the simple act of having a bowel movement would open up several portals to a dimension completely unknown and unexplored by rational scientific study.
After consuming nothing but massive amounts of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and shots of Vodka over the weekend, Tom felt 'stretched out' and slightly hungry on Sunday evening. Because he had blown his entire paycheck on booze instead of shopping for food at a nearby organic supermarket, he had nothing to eat at home except for 'spicy chicken-flavored' ramen noodles, a microwavable Hormel Chili Dinner that had expired in 2016, and a piece of summer sausage.
When finished with his meal, he decided to wash it down with warm Diet Pepsi, before smoking a 'non-filtered' Camel Cigarette. At that point, Mr. Cornell began to notice that he was having a slight problem.
"Something started moving deep inside, and I knew it wasn't good," Tom told reporters.
He then went on to explain that he limped to his toilet, and sat down right before his asshole exploded.
"Once it started spraying out of me, I couldn't make it stop," he said while numerous tears rolled down his face. "And that's when I noticed all the white orbs floating around 'mid-air' in my bathroom," he added.
Upon further questioning, Tom also claimed that he heard cupboards opening and closing downstairs in his kitchen and that he saw 7 shadow figures in his back yard staring directly at him when he peeked though the window next to his toilet.
"I was terrified, but I couldn't do anything about it because my anus was still bleeding profusely," he explained.
Because he continuously heard 'Latin-Speaking' voices in his head on Monday and Tuesday, paranormal investigators and scientists were brought to his house on Wednesday in order to further investigate the situation.
The conclusive analysis reached by the team on Thursday, was that the non-filtered Camel Cigarette Tom smoked at 7:15 pm on Sunday, ignited everything else he had absorbed over the 48-hour weekend of relentless debauchery.
"It was the straw that broke the camel's back," physicist Robert Schneider told reporters. "No pun intended," he added.
After consulting with the group of paranormal investigators and professional medium, Susan Breckert, Mr. Schneider provided a reasonably sound explanation of what happened:
"The liquid feces sprayed out of Mr. Cornell's anus with such tremendous force, that it travelled faster than the speed of light before it reached the water in his toilet bowl. It basically bent time, space, and the very 'fabric of reality' as we know it, thus opening several portals to a dimension that the scientific community has never seen or analyzed before."
Lead paranormal investigator, Marcus Weller, supported Dr. Schneider's conclusion by stating that there were 'spiritual consequences' for the laws of physics that were violated in Mr. Cornell's bathroom.
"We have some major problems to deal with here," he told reporters.
Without elaborating much further, Mr. Weller simply stated that a local Catholic Priest had been notified of the situation, and that the details of this incident will not be provided to the Lutheran community due to the rigid, theological differences they have with the Roman Rituals, as well as their lack of experience in the area.
"At this point, all we can really tell you is that Tom Cornell's house may be up for sale next week," he concluded.