In an attempt to recover the body of the murdered missionary, John Allen Chau, President Trump has revealed that he is to personally orchestrate a systematic campaign to appeal to the 'hearts and minds' of the Sentinelese savages who have murdered him.
"We're going to use helicopter gunships to drop some porno mags in," he said, winking. "Hopefully, that'll bring them to their senses!"
The president has also ordered leaflets to be printed explaining "one or two things" about just where it is the Sentinelese are going wrong, and adding his own advice for a successful future. In them, he expounds on big business, finance, banking, tax dodges, and other useful 'insider-knowledge' for infant economies in developing nations.
As an added extra, there will be a free signed photo of Trump, and some '25% off' vouchers for Trump-owned hotels, resorts, and golf courses, which are sure to be appreciated by members of a tribe who are so frightened of outsiders, they kill them whenever they stray into Sentinelese territory. Like Mr Chau.
"These leaflets will be in the language of the modern world: American!"