After what newspaper reports have already called 'The Cosby Redemption', women all across the United States were being warned to be 'extremely vigilant' this evening, after it was revealed that the jailed former comedian, Bill Cosby, had managed to outwit his guards, and escape from prison.
Cosby, 81, and legally blind, is now 'on the run', and described as 'potentially dangerous', especially if you are a gay college basketball team employee, and have been invited around to his house..
Otherwise, you should be OK.
A review of the prison's CCTV recordings has revealed that Cosby managed to evade the prison's advanced security system through a unique combination of old jokes, jerky dances, long, boring jazz improvizations with his drumsticks, and Cosby's trademark 'Funny Faces' routine, which is said to be hypnotic - or, at least, mind-numbing - if executed properly.
Cosby made his escape just as there was a change of guard duty at 9pm, Acting with his instinctive comedian's timing, he swung into action, bypassing his captors with his confident, soothing, laidback style. He joked his way along wings, making staff laugh uproariously as he went with his 'faces', and, before anyone could say 'Sammy Davis Jr.', Cosby was in the street.
The alarm was sounded, but Cosby was gone.
Police say he could be anywhere, and have warned the public not to look into his eyes, particularly if he is pulling one of his staring, wide-eyed, incredulous, disbelieving, flummoxed, dopey-fucking-grandpa faces, which have been the downfall of so many people already.