There were scenes of total panic at 'unlock' this morning, when jailed comedian, Bill Cosby, was found in his cell with a pair of drumsticks shoved up his anus.
Cosby, star of 'The Cosby Show', and co-writer of the show's theme tune, 'Kiss Me', used to be something of a jazz drummer, and even appeared onstage as such in January whilst awaiting his retrial.
When the warden received a request from Cosby, then, to allow the former funnyman to have the drumsticks sent in, so that he could while away his '3 to 10 years' practising, the warden acceded.
Cosby had been tapping away on objects in his cell - the door, the bedframe, the wall, and, for a 'cushioned effect', his mattress - for two days before the other inmates started to protest about the racket, but nothing was done - until last night, that is.
When the guard in Cosby's block opened the prisoner's cell door this morning, he saw a naked Cosby cowering in a corner with what looked like - and was - two drumsticks protruding from his asshole. Guard Williams said:
"They were in at least halfway. I mean, whoever did this, meant business. The perp had scrawled "Kiss Me" on his buttcheeks in brown fingerpaint."
A doctor was called, and, with the help of some 'sympathetic' inmates, the drumsticks were removed at around 11am.
In the interests of safety, Cosby has been told by the warden to play the drums with his fingers in the future.