College Faculty Walk-out Becomes Epic Fail!

Funny story written by Salinas Chick

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

A recent adjunct faculty walkout at Eastern Omaha Community College abruptly ended today beneath a burning Nebraska sun. For the past week, 273 adjunct (part-time) faculty had been marching back and forth between the parking lot and administration building at EOCC.

The group was reportedly colorful and articulate. Each wore a black t-shirt with a skull and crossbones image emblazoned on the front and back. Professor Richard Hose, the organizer of the protest, wore a stylish three-cornered black and silver pirate hat and carried a toy parrot on his shoulder. Most of the dissidents carried signs: “Slavery ended in 1863"; “Give me Bennies or I’ll be Dead”; “We’re doing this for the students”; “#PiratesforPay”; “Stop the cultural salary appropriation!”

According to organizer Hose, in an interview granted earlier in the week, the adjuncts had simply endured enough. Decades of lousy salaries and administrative puffery had finally called them to action. Adjunct faculty were paid $650 a credit hour for teaching at EOCC--$1950 for a three-credit hour course that lasted from mid-August to early December. The adjuncts unanimously decided not to meet their classes the first week of school. They needed more money!

Some motorists seen leaving the parking lot honked and waved in support of the movement. Others gave the marchers the middle finger and shouted angrily about how the malcontents were interfering with traffic flow in and out of the college.

The protest ended quickly at 1:15 pm this afternoon, when the Chief of Campus Police, Lt. Col. Gerry O’Neal, arrived on scene in a golf cart. He addressed the long, sweaty, academic line using his bullhorn.

“Protestors! You are hereby ordered to disperse pursuant to OECC Policy 1006A.345 - Unlawful Assembly! I will give you 30 minutes to get out of here, or our officers will begin making arrests.”

“Campus police officers do not wish to arrest you. But here’s the thing. Enough students dropped your classes so that every class taught by you adjuncts was cancelled because of low enrollment. So, you have all been terminated—and now you are trespassing.”

Following this calm but firm police intervention, the #PiratesforPay organization morosely found their way out of the parking lot and apparently headed down to the unemployment office. Hose was unavailable for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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