Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 3 October 2018

image for Hunting, Fishing, and Fucking Remain Popular Activities in the Midwest

Most people who live in the Midwestern part of the United States can tell you just how fun and exciting it is to sit in a small boat for several hours on a burning hot day before catching a fish that is too small, and throwing it back into the river. And when the seasons change, nothing is more thrilling than sitting out in the freezing cold woods, shooting an innocent deer in the face, watching its brains splatter all over the fresh white snow, and then pulling its guts out.

Although hunting and fishing remain extremely popular in the Midwestern part of the United States, most of the citizens who live in the region still enjoy fucking more than anything else.

"I caught a really big fish last summer. The local newspaper took my picture, and even published a lengthy article about it. I had lots of fun, but I still enjoy screwing my sister-in-law and my cousin at the same time in the back seat of my truck more than anything," said Wisconsin resident, Bob Williams.

"Even though I love hunting and fishing just as much as the next person, nothing gives me more pleasure than delivering a huge package to someone who really needs it," stated UPS man, Gregory Wallace.

Lucy Peterson, a resident of Iowa, recalled being a very sexual person when she was younger. "I had about 16 intimate lovers before I graduated from high school, and then I had about 23 more throughout the 6 years that I spent attending various community colleges," Lucy told reporters.

"When my own children got older, I knew they were going to go out and impulsively have sex with numerous people. I didn't try to stop them, or even warn them about the dangers of being too sexually active. I just told them to use protection because it definitely always works," she added.

Lucy, now 39 years old, has been divorced 4 times and has 5 grandchildren. She recently met a new boyfriend online who really enjoys hunting, and she plans on going with him this year so that she can use a pump-action, 12-gauge shotgun to blow a deer (and maybe even some of its helpless family members) straight to Hell.

Hunting and fishing are not as popular with college students due to lack of time and academic pressure, but they still manage to go out and fuck as much as they possibly can on evenings, weekends, and semester breaks.

"I sucked off the entire football team during a huge drinking party last weekend," Julie Watson, 19, told reporters. "I also fucked my Math Professor on top of his desk a couple hours ago, but that was only because I need to improve my grade. I really hope my boyfriend back home doesn't find out," she added.

"I did some fishing last summer, and I hope to do some hunting again this fall and winter," stated Jeremy Matthews, a 21-year-old business major. "But, I'm actually slightly worried about something else. I had a wild threesome several nights ago, and now I'm experiencing frequent headaches and dizzy spells. My testicles are really sore, and I also have something that looks like rotten cauliflower growing on my penis. Do you think I should see a doctor?" he asked.

With all of the special hobbies that people have, life remains continually fascinating here in the Midwest.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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