Written by Dave Henry

Wednesday, 3 October 2018

image for Dear Arnold: Action Movie Star Pens Advice Column
I pledge to kick your ass and shove my armpit in your face.

Akshun movie star Arnold is penning a new syndicated advice column that will appear on websites across the internet, as well as those large folding pieces of paper with words typed in black ink pressed on them. Arnold will answer letters from fans, giving advice on love, life, and good hygiene among other topics. Here is a sample.

Dear Arnold,
I've always been a huge fan of your films, from Hercules in New York right through to your current bad movies. I'd like to get into acting, do you have any advice? -- Josh.

Dear Josh,
Here's some advice, give up. You are pathetic and veak, I can tell by the snivelling tone of your letter. Acting takes talent and you have none, your parents have none, your grandparents had none, and your pets have none. I know you don't have any children because you are too pathetic to get a girlfriend, let alone a wife. Your friends must hate you because you are so veak, if you even have any friends. If I saw you on the street I would not even look in your direction. And if you dared speak to me I would take my hand, rub it in my hairy armpit, and then wipe the smell across your face. My advice to you is to get some menial job and hope that someone is stupid enough to pay you. And if they don't pay you, just keeping doing the job for nothing so that you can contribute in some small way, and not be a drain on society.

Here's another:

Dear Arnold,
I'm an amateur body builder and I'd like to someday compete in bodybuilding competitions like you, my hero. Can you tell me about your training regimen? -- Cliff.

Dear Cliff,
Don't ever compare yourself to me. I am a one-of-a-kind superhuman man that someone of your veak genes could never become in a million years. In fact, I could beat you up, right now. If you come to my huge mansion, I will do you the honor of getting your pathetic ass kicked my me. It will be the proudest moment of your pathetic life to be bludgeoned to within an inch of your life by me. I will pick you up, throw you into a group of garbage cans like the trash you are. Then I will jump on you and stick my armpit in your face. Then I will wipe my armpits all over your clothes so the stink will never come out. Then I will stuff you in a garbage can, and bring the garbage to the curb, and call the Sanitation Department to pick up my trash. Then I will go inside and have a popsicle and watch TV.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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