Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 1 October 2018

BILLINGSGATE POST: It was just another long night for Slim Everdingle and Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler.

Surreptitiously parked in the vintage Studebaker Champion that had served them well since 1951, Slim sat hunched over the steering wheel while munching on a stale, chocolate, old fashion Dunkin' Donut. Dirty, reeking of two-day old underwear, added to the odiferous atmosphere by squeezing off a continuous line of popcorn farts that had Slim’s eyes watering.

The stakeout to monitor the dossier handoff from James Comey to Robert Mueller was going into the third week. As described previously, Mueller was in full drag, artfully decked out in a violet flamenco dress which was beautifully accentuated by a tastefully thrown feathered boa.

James Comey was a contrast in style, wearing a ruffled tulle with satin shrugs that emphasized his long legs and short torso. Comically, he could barely keep his balance as he tottered around in his high-heeled pumps with three-inch hourglass heels.

To pass the time, their conversation turned to old war stories that each had told, and retold, hundreds of times:

“Slim, did I ever tell you about my high school buddy, Mort?”

“What about him?”

“His mother used to Scotch Tape his hands to his sheets at night so he wouldn’t play with himself. She would raise all kinds of Hell if she found out he had broken the seal during the night. Drove the sum bitch to drinking.”

“Yeah, Dirty. Had an uncle who used to play around a little. Used to sneak out to see his squeeze when my aunt was sleeping. One night, she Gorilla Glued his nuts to the bed frame. When he tried to pole-vault out of bed that night he got hung-up in mid air. Screamed like a Banchee rag-picker. Never tried it again.”

“Aw, bullshit, Slim. Never happened.”

“What about the time you were sexually savaged by those three liberal swamp rats who ambushed you under the Washington Monument? Haven’t heard that one lately. You still thinking of suing those old vinegar pussies?”

“Nah, Dirty. They didn’t know no better. Guess they were suffering from invincible ignorance. Let God sort ‘em out.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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