Controversy embroiled Franklin Baxter Elementary today when seven-year-old, Lewis Blackman, was wrongly accused in a friendly game of Cops & Robbers during lunch recess. The young boy, who was participating in an adjacent game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, was placed under arrest by eight-year-old Timmy Templeton, for brandishing finger scissors in a threatening manner.
“Lewis matched the description of a recent robbery suspect, and when I saw him pull his finger scissors, I had to act. I can’t imagine what could have happened if he had chosen rock,” said Timmy, who has come under criticism for his alleged unauthorized use of force, when he put little Lewis in a headlock, and then proceeded to apply a noogie, until he agreed to be “taken to the big house inside the jungle gym”.
Despite Blackman’s attempt to request an appeal at the time of his arrest, his plea fell on deaf ears, as Mrs. Donohoe was busy consoling Cody Breckenridge, who had taken a kickball to the face and was “always kind of a pussy.”
“I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to enjoy the rest of my recess,” said a shaken Lewis. “Timmy told Brock to give me a charlie horse if I tried to leave, and Brock loves to give charlie horses because his daddy hits him at night. I thought all hope was lost.”
But fortunately for Lewis, word travelled fast, and with ten minutes of recess remaining, Jesse Jackson arrived at the school demanding the child’s release.
“What has taken place today is nothing short of racism in its most primitive form,” said Jackson, speaking to a crowd of confused adolescents. “Shame on all of you for perpetuating the systemic oppression of the black man that has been ingrained in your white skin for generations.”
Jackson continued, “It is you, Becca Worthington, who ignorantly played tetherball as an innocent Blackman was thrown into the jungle gym. And you, Peter Eckhart, who so coincidentally swung from the monkey bars, as Blackman was being noogied without mercy. You are all to blame for the suffering of this poor Blackman.”
In response to the statement and the painful cries of the children, Mrs. Donohoe attempted to address Mr. Jackson by pointing out that Lewis Blackman was a white child, and requested that he sign in at the front office if he wished to speak to the students. The civil rights activist responded with a lengthy lecture, detailing why Mrs. Donohoe’s white privilege was to blame for the high murder rate in Chicago’s inner city, thus sending her back to her classroom to bury her guilt in the “adult juice” that she kept in the bottom drawer of her desk next to her wedding ring.
Left without defense from his teacher, Timmy was forced by Mr. Jackson to release the suspect, and “pay reparations” by taking a size five Nike kick to the nuts from Blackman.
“It's only right,” said Jackson of the punishment. “Don’t hold anything back, Blackman. Really let him have it.”
Lewis Blackman hesitated for a moment, glanced at Jackson with a look of doubt, as if to say, “I’m not black,” and was met only by a subtle nod from the civil rights leader. All was quiet on the playground.
Then, the kick.
A rapturous applause broke out among the students as Timmy Templeton lost control of his crutches and swayed awkwardly, his knees buckling beneath him like wet cardboard. He fell limp onto the ground as the bell began to ring, sending the students back to their respective classes. He continued to lay there, helpless, as it began to rain.
For Lewis, it was worth it. He looked across the playground and gave Jackson an enthusiastic thumbs up. “Thank you, Jesse,” he said. “Thank you.”
And with one kick, a recess that once seemed so bleak, had now become a beacon of hope for Blackman.
Despite Jackson's fierce search for Brock, the domestically abused boy couldn't be found, but was suspected by fellow students to be “probably ditching class to torture field rabbits”.
We will have more on this story as it develops.