Written by Michael Sienicki

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

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image for University Activists Rejoice After Silencing Mute Political Commentator
Heroic activists used only their audible voices to silence the speechless

Activists at UC Berkeley celebrated this evening after silencing a popular political commentator born with the inability to speak words.

The students, who form the collective known as “Socialists Hindering Interpersonal Transgressions”, or more commonly referred to as SHIT, became aware of the commentator’s presence when local member Skyler was, “lighting up that good good that’ll put your dick in the dirt,” outside of the school’s auditorium.

“So, it was like, you know,” said Skyler, a gender studies major at the university. “I was just doing my thing, like, you know, smokin’ and listenin’ to that new Post Malone single, and that’s when I saw this bullshit poster.”

The day-old poster was advertising popular mute political commentator Avi Bernstein; who, like his ability to communicate, had already been absent for some time.

“Men like Avi are a threat to our campus and our social progress as a nation!” Shouted Skyler of the man that had since been 26 hours removed from the auditorium. “So I texted Alex, and told Zerbavore to get the guys -- I am so sorry -- group together to shut down this white supremacist for good.”

Within minutes, a crowd of enraged students began gathering around the entrance of the auditorium with signs that held such brave statements as ‘NO SPEECH TO HATE SPEECH” and ‘YOU CAN'T BURN THESE FAGS”.

The demonstration proved enough to disrupt a drama school adaptation of the popular Broadway hit musical RENT, underway inside the auditorium.

In response to the protest, the Dean of the university arrived at the scene in an attempt to calm the enraged students, and had this to say, “While I admire your thirst for progress for our university and nation, I'm afraid the man you wish to protest was here yester--”

Before the Dean was able to finish his statement, the courageous mob overcame the patriarchal leadership and locked him in a nearby broom closet under the command of SHIT spokesperson, Alex, who proudly identifies as a trans-pansexual-bi-unicorn-mutant.

The Skeksis then took a moment to address the incident to us in stoic prose, “We've had enough with the fucking complacency of our fucking stupid-fuck administration. When will they fucking realize that this fucking education system -- you know -- totally fucks us out of fucking pretty much everything?! Enough’s fucking enough!”

The crowd then erupted into an inspiring applause, drawn together by the powerful inclusive nature of exclusion.

When asked about Bernstein, the Jewish mute political commentator who also happened to have not spoken a sentence since his extraction from the womb, Alex had this to say through a bullhorn, “All you have to do is look at him and his funny hat, he's clearly a Nazi. DEATH TO NAZIS!!”

Alex then held a steadfast fist in the air as the surrounding crowd began repeating the previous quote in a chant that went on until the production inside officially ceased due to the disruption, highlighting another momentous success for the SHIT organization.

When reached for comment, Avi Bernstein announced, “______________,” and that he would “____________________.”

But for SHIT, the battle continues. Their fight only started with an idea, and it will only end when they've lost their voice.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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