Frugal Penthouse Playboy Has Trouble Finding Quality Mistress

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 26 February 2018


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Earl's penthouse pad is his home, his castle - and the only place his eventual mistress will likely ever see.

To his dismay, penthouse playboy Earl Cook says that he's encountered unexpected difficulties in finding a quality mistress due to his intense aversion to spending money on anyone other than himself.

An impressive example of pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps success, the self-made business magnate now lives in a sprawling penthouse apartment, drives a flashy sports car, and lives off his highly profitable investments, working for a living but a distant memory. Nevertheless, despite his financial accomplishments, Earl explains that growing up dirt-poor in rural Louisiana imbued him with a deep-rooted frugality which persists to this day – and which, to his surprise, has increasingly become a point of contention in the dating arena.

As Earl tells it, the mere mention of his top-floor flat in downtown Nashville's second-tallest high-rise is often all it takes to persuade a comely young lady into the sack with him, at least for a night. But now, at age 53, Earl is looking for more than a steady stream of one-night stands – or, at least, more than just that. No, Earl's not seeking a wife or even a girlfriend but, rather, a mistress of sorts: a beautiful, intelligent lady who's not just readily available for sex on a long-term basis, but who's also someone he can talk to. And – key point – this lady friend also needs to be open-minded enough not to mind his (still ongoing) steady stream of one-night stands with other beautiful, intelligent ladies.

“I think that's reasonable,” said Earl. “We're all adults. Why not enjoy each other?”

Reasonable as it might seem to Earl, this arrangement has proven less than satisfactory to many of his female acquaintances, some of whom have gone so far as to demand to be taken out on the town to concerts and other cultural events, or even be given the occasional gift. They found, though, that their requests fell on deaf ears.

“All he wanted to do was have sex and watch T.V.,” complained Earl's former female friend Cherie Barnes. “I told him, dude, if you want quality booty on demand, you are going to have to seriously up your ante. Dinner at a nice restaurant once in awhile? Maybe some jewelry? Hello!”

On his part, Earl finds materialism of this sort distasteful. He views the ongoing exchange of sexual favors without commitment or emotional vulnerability as a “win-win” situation for both parties involved.

“Logically speaking, the women are getting something out of it, too,” he points out - adding with a wink, "In my case, a big something, if you catch my drift.”

Interestingly, not all women have been immediately turned off by Earl's parsimonious nature; in fact, some have even taken it as a positive sign - initially, that is.

“At first,” said Jesse Caine, smiling shamedfacedly at her own naivete, “I thought it meant that Earl didn't want me to like him just for his money - that he wanted an actual relationship. But a few months later, when we hadn't gone anywhere or done anything - and I continued to find discarded feminine products in his bathroom trash can - I realized that no, his intentions were anything but honorable. He was just cheap.”

Despite the hurdles presented by his frugality, Earl remains committed to finding a genuinely high-quality mistress.

“It's a fine line, though,” he explains. “She needs to have high enough self-esteem not to be overly needy and to be fun to hang around. But on the other hand, she has to have low enough self-esteem to be content with a non-exclusive, utterly compartmentalized, purely sexual relationship.”

In other words, says Earl, he's seeking a a very special lady - a relationship of mutual attraction and respect, but not too much self-respect on the woman's part.

“And non-materialistic,” he emphasized. "She has to be non-materialistic."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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