All Men Will Now Be Required to Wear Body Cameras

Written by Ryan Eggensperger

Saturday, 28 October 2017


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What about your dad? Your grandfather?

WORLD- Following the explosive revelations about movie mogul Harvey Weinstein's years of predatory sexual behavior, the virality of assault victim hashtag #Metoo, and the growing number of other men being outed as sexual predators, the World has decided to pass legislation stating that all men will now be forced to wear body cameras.

"We just thought that they would just want to be better...but it seems like when they're not being monitored - they lose their fucking minds-," a spokesperson for Women said this morning.

"What about your dad? Your grandfather?"

"Oh no, them too- for sure. Ever heard of the 50s?"

As a result of their inability to behave themselves, beginning a week from this Monday, all men everywhere will be required to pick up their World-issued body cameras, which will be made available at all locations of Little Caesar's Pizza, Modell's Sporting Goods, and Pep Boys Auto Parts.

A spokesman for Pep Boys explained the company's involvement, "Yea- I was real surprised by the whole #Metoo thing. It turns out men are just always the worst. And then I thought back on it, and I thought, "oh yea- men are totally the worst." I caught one fondling a muffler in here once. And the fuzzy dice? Forget about it."

A spokesperson from Modell's had similar remarks about boxing gloves and tennis balls.

This attempt to hold men accountable for interactions with women promises to be a step towards victims of sexual assault being believed and supported when coming forward, rather than doubted and ridiculed instead, which had somehow become the norm.

"Remember me? I told the story about Donald Drumpf groping me on a plane?" said Jessica Leeds, who barely anyone remembers telling that story. "A lot of good that did me. That piece of shit has nuclear weapons now. In the future, when men like him have a body-cam on, we'll just be able to turn the footage into the authorities and no longer have this situation where women aren't believed when they come forward."

"Good luck with that," said former Access Hollywood host Billy Bush.

The decision came as a shock to the world's male population of 3.75 billion, who were like,

"What I do?"

The response from the world's female population of 3.71 billion, was,
"Kind of everything. All the time."

Past attempts to curb men's immature and insatiable sexual appetites have included religions, ethics, and societal norms and yet, none of those things were actual cameras that they had to wear on their bodies.

"Yea, it was weird-we thought dudes were someday just gonna wake up and realize that abusing and intimidating people was shitty behavior, but somehow it just never happened," women said.

In addition to receiving a camera, set of 5 HD cards, and charging/uploading station, the first 5 million men at every Modell's will also receive a Blu-ray copy of the movie Wedding Crashers, which they seem to like.

"We do like Wedding Crashers," men said, "so I guess it won't be so bad."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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