In response to the Mueller investigation’s indictment of last Friday, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s office has issued a series of NOT statements.
Mr. Mueller’s indictment is:
Not allegation that Americans were participants in the meddling.
Not evidence the 2016 election was affected.
Not evidence of Kremlin activity.
Not evidence of collusion between Trump and Putin.
Not an effort to divert attention from the Nunes/FISA memo on malfeasance in the FBI and DOJ.
Reporters immediately responded:
“Lol!? Just what is this indictment all about!?”
Mr. Mueller’s office has clarified:
“Russian entities came into this country to make election discord worse. Why? Disinformation as usual. Troublemakers.”
“This may seem like another nothing burger. But these nothing burgers mount up!”
Reporters: Does the US meddle in other countries like this?
Former CIA head James Woolsey’s answer to this question in a recent FOX news interview was, “We only do it for their own good.”
Weighing in on the Mueller indictment is Dr. Jay “Jackson” Revel-Switcher, Chairperson of Nothing-Burger Analysis at Princeton University.
He has another theory on WHY.
Their activity was likely pushback for what the US did in the Ukraine in 2014, he says, as one example.
“We can pursue a thesis of tit for tat here,” states Dr. Revel-Switcher, “for the year 2014 when the US engineered coup and regime change in Ukraine, at the doorstep of Russia.”
“Aggression in Georgia and creeping encroachment of troops at Russian borders may also be considered.”
Nothing burger or not, the Mueller indictment has led to a new TV series inspired by “I was a communist for the FBI!” from the 1950s.
Dr. Revel-Switcher has one caution on this development:
Russia is no longer a communist system, which died in 1991. It now favors capitalism and elections.
However, producers feel the time is right for the new series, based on old stereotypes.
It will be just what the public needs to add to the political theater of the “Russia-gate” controversy.
Most Americans still think Russia is the same as the old Soviet Union, so no problem with the concept.
In fact, decades of continuing antagonism toward Russia, as with FOX news demonizing, will serve nicely.
This hot new “I found commies” program will prepare the nation for more war here and there.
Also, it will serve as a happy break from the tedious investigations of Clinton, FBI, and the DOJ, led by Representative Nunes.
Mr. Mueller will play himself in the series, since “his massive jaw expression cannot be duplicated.”