Wrapping Paper Is the Dark Lord's Gift to the Holiday Season, a Bowed and Ribboned Middle Finger to Humanity

Written by Ewe

Sunday, 24 December 2017


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You want presents? Ha-ha, first you must skillfully fold this multi-colored sheet of wrinkles into an immaculate presentation worthy of the gift it conceals. Good luck fucker! Gather round my legions of the damned and look on as this fool tries to crimp the ends into a tight crease. Idiot! No mortal is capable of such a feat! Oh, but watch as he weeps, watch indeed my minions.

This one is especially stupid. He's following the lines on the paper like they actually mean something. Lean lean, lean in! Witness the frustration in his eyes as realization takes hold. The poor bastard. Ooh, so close, less than a quarter inch gap between the two sides. Yes, those Santas on the shimmery paper are watching you, mocking you, waving their jingle balls in your face. What he will he do, what will he do? Maybe cut a narrow strip to fill in the space? No one will notice? After all it's the thought that counts, right? Wrong! He knows the shame, the ridicule of failing to grasp such a rudimentary skill. This isn't an origami crane, it's a square, an ordinary teach-you-how-to-make-in-kindergarten square! Any boob can do it. He can't be so low class, societal pressure is too strong a force. People will long remember his inadequacy, forever reference the debacle of 2017 with a sneer and implied judgement. It doesn't matter you say, for beneath the steaming pile of reindeer shit is a beautiful necklace, a stunning diamond masterpiece that anyone would be happy to own. Your innocence is adorable. Yes! Crumple it, toss that ball of misery across the room. Release your anger!

Tape is such a useful tool, so sticky, so versatile, so fragile. I must say this its one of my more sinister inventions. He's committed the classic mistake. He thinks he's won, that victory is at hand. Poor, poor wretch has forgotten to pre-tear the tape into convenient little strips. This blunder threatens to undo everything. I can hear the swears forming in his mind, such a dirty little boy. Wait! He's going for it, I can't believe it, thousands of years of observing humans and they still surprise me. Of course it's not going to work, you can't hold the paper with one hand and try to peel off adhesive with the other! Ah! I love it when the tape splits. Oh God! Did you see that? He used the roll as a bat!

Oh please, oh please try to curl the ribbon. He has the scissors pointed toward him, so delicious. Nope! Try again, you can do it. Nope! One more time, it's definitely going to work. So good. Just. So. Good. Yep, settle for tying ribbon around the box. No need to get fancy. Careful not to get your finger trapped. Too late! What an imbecile.

You know, this wasn't on my list. I was really hoping for a monogrammed wood cheese board to use at my weekly wine get togethers, but honestly, this is soooo much better. Thank you for this little bit of Christmas cheer. Hell is a drab place and you made it a tad brighter. Oh shit! No! He didn't! Look, look, look! He forgot to put labels on the packages. He doesn't know which one is which! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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