We at Back and to the Left news were unable to avoid eye contact with Ed Sheeran today and we ended up conducting an interview with him.
I've just written the theme song to the new James Bond Movie!
Ed we couldn't give less of a shit.
Nobody asked me too but I wrotes it cos I'm Ed Sheeran!
I'll play you some.
He starts hammering his two stringed guitar wildly and singing.
"I believe in the shape of Bond for the Golden gun I like ponds." That's the start of it but it gets better I put in a whole verse about how great I was in Game Of Thrones.
I am so great.
So doing anything over Christmas Ed?
Well I normally eat squirrels but I was going to try and murder a cat and eat that instead. Imagine the headline if I got caught "Sheeran Eats Cat!!!". Wow that's really good. I should be a journalist then I could write loads of interesting stories about me cos I'm well interesting and stuff and neat and just so loverbal. I drink loads of milk!
We sighed. We'd picked this specific bus shelter to drink our cider in because we didn't think we'd get bothered. Christmas always brought out the worst in us and it was taking all of our immense self control not to kick this bog eyed cunt to death. He started to sing again.
My name is Ed
I own a bed
I am not dead
My name is Ed
He did something on his phone and grinned at us with the same shit eating smile he has every time he wins a award.
I've just got another number one single!
He shows us the phone and the three second shite fountain he'd just thrown up played back at us over the radio. The cock sucking spineless weasels at the BBC couldn't get enough of his family friendly Government approved safe music.
Once again Christmas had made it hard for us to want to live.
We tried to sit in silence but he kept fucking talking.
I really really like Olly Murs and I really really like the colour blue and I really really like fish fingers but only three at a time.
Ed's voice began to fade into the background.
I really really like pictures of funny cats and I really really like the noise cash machines make just after they give you money.
We stood up.
I really really like touching the underside of carpets and I really really like eating my glasses then telling people I've lost them and their all like "Oh silly Ed how did you lose them?" and I'm like "I don't know I'm just so wacky" but really I do know because I've eaten them.
We face Ed.
I once played a song so good it wrote a episode of Dr Who. I really-
His voice was cut off by our hands around his throat. He struggled as we squeezed. His arms flailing wildly around in the air. It didn't take long and he was soon slumped in the corner. As we walked away we felt no guilt after all Christmas was a time for giving and we'd given the world the greatest gift of all. The gift of no fucking Ed Sheeran next fucking year