You've heard the slogan a million times - 'He's got more money than God'. And every time you listened to the saying, there was never any documented funds to refer upon to support the outlandish claim.
Well, now there is, thanks to Jesus officially disclosing his net worth to be 66.9 billion, achieved via religious trinket distribution, sausage and pepper sandwich sales at neighborhood feasts and donations from Mel Gibson, placing him as #2 on the'Forbes 400 Wealthiest Persons List' - smack in the middle of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg.
"I finally had to tell people what I was worth," Jesus told reporters at a press conference held at the Gates of Heaven, "..to make sure that when someone tells another person that he has more money than me, it can be officially proven that I obtain a larger amount of cash. And of course," God added. "If someone from the IRS reads this article, they will concur that my 66.9 billion dollars is tax-free, and I'm talking County, State, Federal, whatever, because I'm God - and nobody on earth is better qualified for the tax exemption."
Microsoft founder and philanthropist Bill Gates, who is currently #1 on the 'Forbes 400 Wealthiest Persons List' with $81 billion dollars, questioned the legitimacy of Jesus being within striking distance of becoming the world's richest man.
"God is the second-richest person in the world because he hasn't paid a cent in taxes since the beginning of time," he said while forcibly injecting the polio vaccine into the children of Afghanistan. "If he had, he would be #34 on the 'Forbes 400 Wealthiest People List. And furthermore," Mr. Gates added. "I've given away billions of dollars to countless charities, God has never donated a single dime to anyone, proving that 'God is Great' - but he happens to be a tightwad as well."
"Look," Jesus snapped while up to his holy neck in heavenly paperwork. "Whatever amount I've never paid in taxes was easily spent on providing the faithful with love, joy, mercy, peace, miracles and getting rid of 'The Ice Capades'. And do you have any idea what my 'Resisting Satan' budget is? And as far as Mr. Big Shot Money Honcho Bill Gates is concerned," God went on to say. "At least I didn't amass my fortune by creating the biggest illegal monopoly in history, a sin that means Bill Gates should dress lightly for his afterlife."
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos (right), who was knocked down to #4 on the 'Forbes List' with a net worth of $65.5 billion (thanks to God), was more receptive to the Lord's financial report.
"I think it's great that America has a new multi-billionaire," he said while hammering the final nail in the Sears coffin. "And I'd personally like to welcome Jesus to the 'Forbes List' by giving Him, along with all his Disciples, a free one-year membership to Amazon Prime."
"I appreciate the gesture," Jesus said in response to the 'Amazon Prime' offer. "But it's worthless to me because 1) Amazon.com warranties are not valid in heaven, 2) FedEx, UPS and DHL don't deliver to paradise, and 3) whenever anyone in heaven wants the very latest in fashion, electronics or toys, all they got to do pray for it -and I make it pop up out of thin air..
But on a sadder note," God added while 'liking' the Pope of Facebook, "The 'Amazon Prime offer further proves that Mr. Bezos is out to decimate every brick & mortar retail operation in the world. And what is it with this guy anyway? Does he have to sell everything to everybody on earth during every minute of the day or what?"
"I can't believe I got knocked down a peg on the 'Forbes List' by a penny-pincher who hasn't paid a cent in taxes for eons," said an angry Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of Facebook, who was now #3 on the 'Forbes 400 List' with $55.5 billion - thanks to the financial disclosures of the Holy Spirit. "So there should be a rule: God or no God, if you never paid any taxes, you don't get to be on the 'Forbes List' - end of story."
"Well.." Jesus sighed as he suspiciously stared into a picture of his crucifixion, "As I mentioned earlier, I am not required to pay taxes. And although Mr. Zuckerberg does not subscribe to my faith, I do have connections in the spiritual world, ones that could reduce Facebook's power and influence to that equal to 'Maggie's Cup Cake Blog' operating via 'dial-up' out of Bismarck, North Dakota - a threat I will immediately put into action if Markie Boy doesn't keep his trap shut about my tax status."
The Koch Brothers, the CEO's of Koch Industries, also questioned God's declaration of wealth.
"As far as the recent 'Forbes List' modification is concerned," the Koch brothers conveyed in route to destroying another pristine landscape with a flimsy pipeline. "..we do not recognize it because our combined net worth is 92.1 billion dollars, $25.2 billion more than Jesus - so we should be above Him on the 'Forbes List'. And since the Creator is a staunch conservative just like we are," the brothers added. "..we feel more than confident that Jesus will agree with us on this issue."
"The Koch brothers need to snap out of it," God said while making the world's oil and natural gas more difficult to find. "..because the 'Forbes List' does not rank according to family wealth, but rather on an individual fortune basis. And if the Koch brothers don't stop bellyaching about my ranking on the 'Forbes List', I'll conjoin those two idiots by the hip. And by the way," the Almighty added. "David Koch is gay. I should know. I made him."
Jim, Alice and Robson Walton (left), the heirs to Walmart fortune, shared the view of the Koch brothers.
"Family wealth, at its core, is made up of individual wealth," Jim Walton claimed while handing out Welfare Applications to his Walmart Team Members. "So the 'Forbes List' should rank its listees according to family resources."
"And if it did," Alice Walton added while waking up her Walmart 'Store Greeters' for work under a highway overpass. "The Walton Family would be #1 on the 'Forbes List' with $97.8 billion dollars."
"And if I may add," Robson Walton stated while corralling his Walmart shelf-stockers into a 'slave hold'. "That's $30.9 billion more than Jesus, leaving him in the financial dust."
"Here we go again with the 'family wealth' baloney," God moaned as he raised the national minimum wage to $50 dollars an hour. "Only this time I've got three mouths flapping instead of two. So let me say it again.. The 'Forbes List' is based on one person's net worth, and not on the combined fortune of a flock of spoiled trust fund babies. Got it? I hope so because I'm getting tired of all the kvetching."
"I'm a Jew" said casino magnate Sheldon Adelson while overseeing the installation of 'Kung Fu Panda' slot machines machines at his Sands Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. "So until Moses discloses his financial statements, I'm still #18 on the 'Forbes 400 Wealthiest People List".
"Number 18?," God said in a highly dismissive manner. "Please. If you're not on the top five of the list, you're pretty much a tick and nothing more than a surface nuisance."
"You know what?," Mr. Adelson said in response to God's condescending remark. "I don't like trouble. I'm a man of peace. So I'd like to invite Jesus to my Venetian Hotel & Casino to discuss our differences face to face. I'll put him in our Carnivale Penthouse Suite. All his meals will be comped. He'll get a $1000 in gambling chips. I'll even get him free tickets to see 'Criss Angel Mindfreak Live' in my Golden Gondola Showroom."
"I appreciate the Carnivale Penthouse Suite, the comped meals and the gambling chips," Jesus said while making airline reservations to Las Vegas via Trivargo. "But I've never been a big Criss Angel fan."
"Then I can get God tickets to the 'Blue Man Group'," Mr. Adelson responded. "They're nice boys. It's a beautiful show. Jesus will love it."
"Been there, done that," God replied to Mr. Adelson's latest offer. "So can Sheldon get me tickets to 'Britney Spears Live & Wild' at Planet Hollywood on a Saturday night?"
"Tickets to 'Britney Spears Live & Wild' at Planet Hollywood on a Saturday night?!" Mr. Adelson shouted as he slapped his knees. "Nobody can get those seats - not even God."