HEAVEN--CNN reported today that God, after an intervention by Mary, Jesus, the Twelve Apostles, and Mother Theresa, will be attending anger management classes after his recent temper tantrums have devastated parts of the United States, the Caribbean, and Mexico.
Said CNN's celestial correspondent, Angel Encarnación, "My sources tell me that God will be attending group therapy sessions, along with Allah, Shiva the Destroyer, and a handful of other minor deities who, apparently, have had anger issues over the past several years. Furthermore, according to those same sources, the group therapy sessions will be led by Nelson Mandela."
According to Encarnación, God had entered anger management classes in the last century--after WW 1, WW 2, and in the 1990s, the genocide in Rwanda, but apparently the election of Donald Trump in 2016 pushed Him over the edge, leading Him to unleash on humans the recent hurricanes and the earthquake in Mexico. In fact, God was heard to shout at St. Peter at one point, "How could they so completely fuck up this beautiful planet I gave them? I knew I never should have granted them free will!"
If God refuses to attend the anger management group therapy sessions, Encarnación said that some aids close to the Heavenly Father say that they may have to take away from Him some of His omnipotence, including his power to launch hurricanes and cause tectonic plates to grind against one another.
At the intervention called to stop God from devastating large parts of the planet, one unnamed source who attended said that God was heard to complain, "Back in the Old Testament days, I could flood the whole world and firebomb cities and nobody batted an eye. When did religion become so damn sensitive?"