Isle of Wight News - IoW to secede from the UK

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 18 September 2017

image for Isle of Wight News - IoW to secede from the UK
"We've had this currency for over a hundred years, we won't change it now" said Pugh.

Councillor for Cowes, Mr David Pugh, has vowed that the Isle of Wight is to secede from the UK due to a row over the new Pound coin, however, he is keen to stress that this has nothing to do with Brexit.

Island residents prefer the coins from 1935 to the new ones.

"Our desire to secede from the United Kingdom has nothing to do with Brexit," the councillor said in a statement this morning. "I cannot stress this enough. We do not want to leave the UK and join the EU, as their coins are even worse than this new-fangled pound coin London is trying to foist off on us."

A recent estimate by Beryl in accounting has indicated that changing to the new pound coin would cost the island thirty-five billion pounds, money the island can ill afford.

"We need to change all the parking metres," said Pugh. "As many are aware, parking metres are the major source of income on the island, funding everything from social services to the audiobooks of Harry Potter in Ventnor library."

As well as parking metres, the ATMs on the island are the only ones in the UK that dispense pound coins, and these too would need major overhauls to allow the new shape to be stored. Pugh is hopeful that the banks themselves would pay for this refurbishment. However, IoW U, the island's largest bank, is adamant that this is not the case.

"In the banking crisis of 1934, the island government bought out the bank," said bank CEO, Charles Moneypenny, 66, told the IoW News. "It was expected that they would return the bank to private hands at some point, however the receipt was lost in the war, so it's remained in the Island's hands ever since."

Another major income stream, the vending machines, would all also need switching over to the new pound coins.

"The cost is too high for a small company like ours to contemplate," said Vinny Vendor of Ventnor Vendor Vending Machines, located in Ryde. "We will be seeking assistance from the Island council."

Many of the Island's more than a thousand residents are backing Pugh's approach to the new pound coins.

"We don't like change," said Phyllis Bathnight, 108, of Yarmouth. "Never have, never will."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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