Some thought it would be the stress of becoming the leader of the Free World, handling illegal immigration, badgering from Bernie Sanders or wrangling with the Democrats that would have driven President Donald Trump to take a "nice little rest" in a refuge in the country. It wasn't, however. What drove the President over the proverbial edge was something much closer to home … so to speak.
"It's a very sensitive subject with men and a very sensitive are in the male world," explained psychiatrist, Dr. Neville Honeyton. "You would think a man with the history, the boisterous nature and the general confidence that a man like Mr. President generally has that something like this wouldn't have driven him to a rest home in the country. You have to understand, however, that this is the very crux of the masculine world."
Mr. Trump's time in Washington as our leader has been nothing short of nerve-wracking indeed. This tense situation has been made worse by the fact that his wife has decided to stay in New York, leaving our peerless leader alone all day … and all night. Apparently the long, lonely nights got to him and he sought some "relief."
"That's when the problem started," Honeyton revealed. Trump decided to do what he told the doctor he liked to call the "five-knuckle shuffle" to "release the prisoners," to gain that needed relief. That's when Trump's own penis, what former wife Marla Maples "the little fella," turned him down, totally rejecting the POTUS. Used to getting his way, Trump tried several remedies. He sat on his left hand so it would go numb, a trick he had learned at Wharton Business School. "So that it felt like someone else's hand," Trump told the doctor, "but it's not like cheating on your right hand, cuz it's still part of your own body. It's just a trick."
Details outlined a desperate attempt Trump having White House staffers frantically preparing a romantic dinner based on Trump's German heritage. When the bratwurst sausages arrived, Trump's own wiener took offense, perceiving the comparison of the penis to the much larger sausage a cruel insult. According to the hospital records after Trump's brief stay indicate that Trump had to be sedated to calm him from a tirade of professing his love for his own penis, compulsively buying expensive gifts on his phone and having them delivered to his own crotch in an attempt to woo his member back into the fold.
As for Trump's "little fella," the organ drew a picture in couple's therapy of a man in Trump who could not deal with the "change in lifestyle" that it had gone through. "It's not a choice," the little fella said to Honeyton. "I came to realize I had been living a lie and I just had to be me. I had to be who I really am, and I guess he doesn't have any problem with 'alternative facts,' but he does have a problem with alternative lifestyles. That's when the whole conflict started."
Vice President Pence, who has grabbed the mantel of power while Trump recuperates, commented on the situation. "This situation is just more proof that these alternative lifestyles are tearing apart the country one relationship at a time. Now here you have one member, no pun intended, who decides to make a decision to live an immoral and indecent lifestyle. What this member of society has done is undermine the Christian values that underscore the beliefs of our country."
"There's no real solution to it, except for one drastic one," Honeyton declared. "The option of surgical removal is the only real way to end the conflict. Otherwise, these two will have to work it out."
Rebutting the doctor, VP Mike Pence said he was looking into homosexual conversion therapy for the "little fella," but "certainly not for Mr. Trump, who is a lifelong heterosexual and a good, decent, church-going man."