After getting sick of his Facebook feed being flooded with decisive rhetoric and partisan clickbait Jesus, the Son of God, decided to come back to earth early. He originally attempted to just post the Golden Rule on His Facebook page, but it ended up getting two million frowny face emojis and started a debate about abortion. At that point Jesus decided this was an issue that he might have to address in person.
He arrived in the United States and immediately made a statement, "Please, people, personal politics are a very small and inconsequential aspect of most peoples' personalities. It's time to stop judging one another for them and start treating your good neighbor how you would want them to treat you."
Jesus also added, "If there is a squawking bird outside that won't stop making noise, eventually most people will close their window," a statement that left many people confused. He later explained that he was referring to the ineffective nature of yelling at someone who does not agree with you.
The very topic of a heated political environment that Jesus addressed seemed to have a direct impact on how His message was received.
President Trump, interpreting Jesus' message as a personal slight against him immediately responded on Twitter:
Donald J. Trump
"Who cares what this guys says! Is he even American? Yet another liberal attack on the Office of the President. Who would you rather listen to the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES or a hippy in a toga? #FAKE NEWS!"
When fellow Twitter member, @TheVoiceofReasontold replied:
"You do know that many of your constituents consider Jesus the Son and embodiment of God, right?"
Trump immediately responded to the exchange.
Donald J. Trump
"What miracles has he performed lately? I could point to my election as a miracle. If you eliminate all of the illegal and fraudulent votes I actually received 100% of the popular vote. GREATEST ELECTION RESULT EVER! #MaybeGodHasMoreThanOneSon #SaviorOfTheUnitedStates #fakeJesus" followed by the poop emoji.
Trump followed that up with another Tweet:
Donald J. Trump
"Only a LOSER would let himself get crucified by his own people- SAD! #HowManySupermodelsHasJesusBagged, #ImWorkingOnMyFifth, #12thIfYouCountCollege, #45thIfYouCountHotRussianProstitutes, #EverythingIDoCounts, #LetsJustCallIt45"
When news of the exchange surfaced several high ranking Republican politicians were asked if they backed the President over the proclaimed Son of God. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) replied, "Well, you know the President has a unique way of doing things, so right now I am just giving him the benefit of the doubt and see where this goes." When pressed about the fact that President Trump was attacking the Golden Rule, the most important concept in the Bible as stated by Jesus Christ, McConnell replied, "The President does have a point that Jesus is not an American, so I can see where he's coming from. I think that the American people have made it clear that they want to get foreign interference out of our government."
Press Secretary Sean Spicer was even more passionate, "The President and I are good Bible fearing Christians just like any real American, but I back the President 100%. Now, we usually both respect Jesus for sure, but with the current battle for the soul of America with the evil media fake news and wishy-washy democrats so we need to take more modern concerns into account before we could ever try to rely on a 2000 year old rule for guidance."
Democrats were also asked for their take on Jesus' interference with the current political climate. Somehow still House Democratic Leader, Nancy Pelosi stated, "I'm not sure that a white male really understands the complexities that our country currently faces." When it was pointed out to her that Jesus is in fact an Arab, she replied, "That's still considered caucasian."
Senate Democratic Leader, Chuck Schumer was appalled that someone would attempt to interject religion into a political debate. "I know the conservatives love to bring up their fantasy land clap trap every time someone tells them to stop stock piling assault weapons, but religion has no place in this forum." When he was informed that Jesus had not identified himself by any political affiliation Schumer replied, "I've heard of the Golden Book before, and I know it's a direct quote from the Buble! That's just screams Republican propaganda."
Debate on the street was equally decisive with American citizens reacting with everything from, "Send him back!" to "that guy makes a lot of sense", although that last sentiment was shared by very few people who were interviewed.
Due to all of the hoopla around His return, Jesus was invited to appear on Face The Nation to clarify His message. During Jesus' appearance John Dickerson asked, "What is your message to the President Mr. Jesus?"
Jesus explained, "I am not here to address the President or any other specific political party or platform. I'm not sure how that rumor started."
Dickerson pressed, "But wasn't that the whole point of your message, sir? The President is stupid and he should stop dividing the country."
Jesus replied, "I never said that."
Dickerson continued, "But, that's what you implied, correct?"
At that point Jesus appeared annoyed, and sighed to Himself. He then replied, "Let me put it this way Mr. Dickerson, and allow Me to preface this by saying that this message is for everyone. If there is a dirty window you may be asked to wipe it down. If you grab a used piece of toilet paper, and go through the process of wiping the whole window, when you are done wiping you can say you did the job. However, will the end result be that the window is clean?"
To which John Dickerson replied, "Yuck!"
After a moment of confused silence, Jesus explained, "The way you do things matter. Is that clear enough for you guys?"
Most pundits agreed that the parable was "pretty gross" but fell well within Jesus' typical wheelhouse of using metaphors to make a decent point.
The President refused an offer to appear on Meet The Press to rebut Jesus, but appeared on Hannity on Fox News later the same day. During his appearance he stated, "I don't reply to every nobody that takes a shot at me. I'd be on Twitter all day long instead of just five hours a day if I did that. But, let me say this Sean: I have had the greatest Presidency in the history of time. I've accomplished more in a month than most Presidents do in three full terms! If some guy who has done nothing for over 2000 years shows up and starts telling you what to do, do you listen to him? I don't. I'm too smart and good looking to need advice from someone like that. He's fake. He's fake news. My people. My good Americans, know who is telling them the truth, and it's me!"
Jesus was seen ascending back up into the clouds the next day, and made no further statements. Although, His Facebook account was removed moments later.