Written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 23 February 2017

image for Taco Bell Franchise Shut Down Amid Concerns of Food Quality

The popular fast-food chain Taco Bell has been in definitely shut down by the newly revamped Food and Drug Administration due to concerns over the quality and constitution of their "meat" filling.

Concerns began when a rash of emergency room visits occurred over the last two weeks. "People were checking themselves in," a nurse at local Mease Plant Hospital, "vomiting, sweating, diarrhea - every sign of food poisoning, right down to the fever. Never seen so many, actually."

In fact, the numbers were staggering and set a two-week record for hospital admissions in the Tampa Bay region. This virtual epidemic drew the attention of The Federal Emergency Agency (FEMA) who responded on Tuesday to assist with the sheer numbers of ill citizens, quarantine the sickened population and to commandeer the tainted taco filling.

Todd Simpson, Chief Information Officer for the FDA, announced that a shocking discovery had been made. "Nothing like has happened during my tenure with the FDA," the spokesman announced. "In fact, looking at the history of the FDA," Simpson continued, "nothing like has ever happened, especially on such a massive scale." The spokesman hesitated to divulge exactly what cause the outbreak. He then uttered the unthinkable: "Human flesh." While elaborating, it was revealed that it was specifically flesh with the DNA profile indicating that the human stock originating from the global region of latitude and longitude of 19° 24' N and 99 ° 09' W. "Yes," Simpson admitted. "It came from Mexicans. Males to be precise."

Wide-spread paranoia and fear spread through the region as citizens began to wonder exactly how the flesh of Mexican males were processed into meat-like filling in a popular fast-food restaurant. Some believed it was a massive mistake, believing corpses that were meant to be interred were somehow diverted to a processing plant. Others believed it was the most egregious form of big-business, profit margin stretching in the history of Capitalism. Still others were sure it was a Canadian because "they do that kind of stuff, you know?"

The real story was actually more chilling. Steve Bannon, aide-de-camp for President Trump, was confronted by what he terms the "opposition press" that he knew how it happened and it was completely necessary. "We've been rounding up hundreds of these Mexicans every week for about a month now," the portly politician stated. "We ran into a logistics problem way quicker than we thought. A few people brought up the idea of the FEMA camps, but we have a solid plan for corporate growth on the table for them, so, when the restaurant industries came to us looking for cheap meat alternatives, we offered this option. It turned out to be a good option. We now have the space for the continued immigration initiatives and we turn a profit in the meanwhile - win-win, right?"
When asked for comment at his daily briefing, President Trump began by saying, "Hey, woah, wait up. I made a good deal. It would've cost millions trying to house and feed these illegals, and instead of that, you know, I'm getting 2.25 a pound here. I mean, the average Mexican male weighs about a 165 pounds. Am I right? So at even 2 bucks a pound, that's way over 300 bucks a body. That's a good deal, right? And think about all the butcher jobs I just created, and the truck drivers and the packaging plants - the distribution centers. It's gonna be yuge! Oh and one last thing, I told you I was gonna make Mexico pay for that wall I'm gonna build and I did. I said I was gonna do it, and boom! There it is - bought and paid for by Mexicans!"

Although the process of rounding up illegally documented immigrants was supposed to be a fast, precise process with a limited timeframe, it actually seems to be evolving instead of ending. "We're looking at streamlining the process," FEMA director Craig Fugate said. "We need to keep those [FEMA] camps open for another initiative, so we need to look at alternatives if this restaurant operation gets shut down. We'll need to be more efficient." Fugate said the main idea being considered is condensing the humans that need to be transported in some way. Since transportation space is at a premium, incineration into ashes has been suggested, which would add 90% of space per corpse. Liquification has also been brought up, as the resultant liquid could simply be boiled off and dissipated into the atmosphere. Though these alternatives have been seen as viable, President Trump would rather stick the deal he brokered.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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